Is this it? Is this all I have to look foreword to? Because I'm always wanting more than I have, and maybe that's wrong.
I found a girl who likes me, and I think I might have some direction finally, and it's nice to know I don't have to be Parker, I could just be me.
People like me, so why can't I like myself?
Maybe one day I'll be good enough for myself.

I just want some understanding- I'm totally lost, like a kid at a mall who has been separated from their, father. I just keep looking for him, and he's not there. he hasn't been there for 11 years. 
I WANT MY DADDY! 
I want comfort, I want to not be in the dark.
I want to be happy.
I want a reason to hope. 

I went to a wedding, a Christian wedding, they washed each other's feet as a symbol of humility and service- it was pretty cute. But the thing that got me, was their genuine love for each other. But there was something else... It was like a pure and innocent love as well. And that was sweet for me to see. I don't really see that too often, because creeping on other people isn't my thing. If I ever get married, I want it to be a sweet and pure and innocent kind of love, and maybe Jesus needs be involved for a love like that, maybe not. I'm alright with that.

Also their color scheme was nice.

I wish I could show the world it was beautiful.
Not the actual world, though if it did have insecurities, I'd want to fix that too.
I for the longest time thought that I was worthless, because of how I looked/look.
There are too many girls that I know, and I say girls because a lot of them are under 16, that think that they're fat, or ugly, or too tall, or just not good enough in general. And some people just might shrug that off as normal teenage girl thoughts. But it's not something that should happen. People should feel that they have worth, because they themselves are people who have worth. Beauty isn't something that shouldn't be attainable, it just is something that everyone has. And it doesn't define worth- but society tells us that it does.
And it's not just with women, or young girls- it's a problem with men, and young boys too. we were just socialized to ignore it, or fix it, actually- bury it. I don't know... When I was a sophomore I started cutting myself because I never thought that I would be good enough, you know? Because I wasn't studdly enough.
I understand embracing your body, but using words like "fat" and "ugly" aren't the way to do it.
I don't know, I wish that I could fix this problem. Not just with the world, but also with me.
We all deserve to be healthy and happy.

I'm not as broken as I want to be.

it's late. I feel like I can't do anything right. At least Mercedi said that I didn't fuck up tonight, and I held together. Maybe I'll figure out my life soon.

What do you want from me? not "What do you want for me.

I have so much on my mind, and if you ask me, I'll tell you that I don't.
I don't want this, anymore.

okay.

NO.

I constantly feel like I'm fucking up my life. Like every aspect- Not just with you, but like I still haven't gone down to Pierce. And I'm gonna be there for the rest of my fucking life. I'm not smart enough to do all this, I also don't even know how to handle my emotions anymore. I've been cutting again, and I feel like I can't stop- and I don't want to start smoking again, because I mean I don't want to willing do to myself what Scott had thrusted upon himself.

Also, the thing with you... maybe it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been drunk- but I was. And maybe it shouldn't have happened, because reasons. and I'm sorry.

I'M JUST SO FUCKING SORRY ALL THE FUCKING TIME
and I'm sorry that I'm freaking out- and that I need to talk all the time and that I need someone to talk to about death. I'm sorry I'm not brave, and that I can't handle anything. I'm sorry that you have to babysit a lot. It's not fair. I'm sorry that I'm so emotional- and I'm sorry that I cut myself.