quick! i need a smoke.

i keep telling people that i've quit. and i have but i still get this feeling that i just want to start smoking again. but i don't like smoking.

maybe it's just how today went. maybe it's yesterday too. i bet it's just this week. but i don't know how to describe my feelings.

if my day was bad i can't even imagine how yours was. it seems to be affecting you so much more than me. but i went to Em's house today. she doesn't like the name "Em". but anyway she told me i could cry in the bonus room if needed. and offered to lend me her pig socks. there were a couple times that i felt like crying and cutting. maybe even purging, but anything to make myself feel better. but i painted with chalk, on the sidewalk.
but that's what i needed-
no questions. no worries, at least until 6:45. but i needed this.
i'm sorry.

it's over i guess. probably official, now.

thank god i don't have to change my Facebook status.

i have nothing to say.

"i don't like any of it. none.

 all the perks have been thrown out the window, along with my enthusiasm. it seem like a shameful part

 of me. and i would wish to keep my secrets, well.. secret. 

 i told you i wanted to get better, but i don't. let's just add two more."

but that's it, i don't have this need to feel bad. because i guess there is a hope. not just for me, but for all of us.  my scars have healed, (as much as they can). 

my lungs will never again be poisoned. and alcohol, won't ever seduce me the way it did him. my two packs are gone. those magazines that i first saw at such a young house. are fading away. 

and my hatred is slowly turning,  i'm not as bitter. love is important.

i guess it seems like i hate this Jesus character, but in all honesty, i don't.

i hate people who think that they are like him.
i hate people who unjustly judge people, based on their sins, (or what they think are sins).
in all reality nowhere in The Bible does it say that suicide is a sin. and next time a daffodil princess has an unfortunate, and tragic end, don't go carrying on about how shameful it is. because the only thing that is shameful, is how insensitive you are towards this girl, and her family.
and you claim to be of love, but are too uppity to spend time with, (and love) people that Jesus himself would have. i'm sorry but one day i'll quit the church. and i want you to know, that it's all on you. as the
body of Christ.

whether or not, anything happens the way we planned.
i love you.
or whether it ends, tragically.
i still will love you.
if you decide not to, or decide to do so.
i will love you.

i guess that's it for now.

yes.

when you say that it belittles what Jesus did on the cross, i think that you are really just being selfish. you think that because you've lived this "holy" life, that because really you like to think that you're somehow better than these people who aren't "saved," that you deserve this wonderful afterlife. but  what makes you so special? because you half-heartedly, mumbled a pitiful prayer, and siad to your god, "i'm wrong, and i really want to change." that you deserve to go to heaven? well the fact is you hated, you lied, you sinned just like the rest of us.
really what belittles what Jesus did, is you telling people that there is a hell. and that Jesus' blood doesn't cover all. it only covers the elite. you are selfish. and it's not okay

nothing' s better than coming home... and tha's kind of what i've missed, but now, i miss you.

i think that i'm having withdraws, but it's okay just like a week and one-ish days... i think i can handle that it'll only have been like two weeks and two days.

i'm excited for this week though... i'm kinda nervous, i hear my cousin is a dick.

i'm excited because this is my life...

what more could i ask for?

i remember those cuts. i remember the tears. i don't want to, nut i do. forgive me if i was done with that conversation. but i had it too any times. i've experienced that kind of pain before, i also don't want to talk about it. but know things will get better they have to. well at least i always have something to look forward to.

you know, she was my reason. she is the only reason i stopped. don't ask me "why her?" because i really don't know. there has always been something about her...

get in my boat 

we’ll sail away

ive always been scared

scared of the sea

give you some string

you find your way home

and i will be waiting when you return

i can’t steal his heart

i can steal back mine

i can steal back mine

i can steal back mine

i can’t steal his heart

but i can steal back mine

stand in the shore*

arm is outstretched

the stars in the heavens

are doing their best

he calls my name

and i meet his eyes

now i have lived

might as well die

im saying things are

im saying things are

im saying things are

going to change

saying things are

singing things are

singing things are

going to change 

i can’t steal his heart

i can steal back mine

i can steal back mine

i can steal back mine

i can’t steal his heart

but i can steal back mine

takes off my crown

throws it to the sky

and we are in emblazed

as bright lights will thrive

oh we will thrive

i can’t steal his heart

i can steal back mine

i can steal back mine

i can steal back mine

i can’t steal his heart

but i can steal back mine

steal back mine 

-Emily and The Woods

it was an awkward exchange-

i never want anything to stop.

i want life to keep going as is.

we should continue, i should stay young and careless-

i want everything.

i want to go back to, what i thought was a transparency between us. one that at one point might have existed, but it could have just been a made up thought in my head. one where i told you my secrets, and you told me yours. i guess i never told you everything- and you never told me. but maybe having that would be nice. you were my best friend. i want that again.