it's all my fault.

i know that i'm an asshole.
i know that i tried replacing you.
i know that you deserve to be happy.
but i'm not good at that.

i know that you aren't happy.
i know i could fix that.
i know that i spent too much time with her.
and i know that i kind of abandoned you. and everyone.
i miss you.

i just wish i could get everyone together, and we could all listen to mewithouYou and drink coffee or tea. but that's not going to happen.  i fucked everything up with people because i don't like getting close. even being friends i get awkward. and i'm sorry.

if you hurt him, i swear to god i will ruin your life.
he deserves better.
better than you're willing to give him.

so there's this girl...

i don't know much about her. her name is taylah. she lives in Brisbane, Australia. she is probably the sweetest person i've never met. and i would fly around the world to meet her.  i'm glad i'm still on tumblr.

Masculinity is a bitch.

lets be real, anytime a boy says something endearing to another boy. they have to (for reason of being thought of as a homosexual) clarify that they're not by stating no homo.
i have two problems with this.
1. why can't straight men talk about their feelings without being viewed as a gay man?
2. more importantly, why is there a negative connotation on the word gay? is there something wrong with the word gay? or is it the thought of being gay? because if it's afraid of being not masculine, then we might actually have more problems than i thought.
where did this idea come from? why do men need to be overly masculine, and if i'm not like that, does that make me less of a man
i think that if this irrational fear of being gay is hindering the growth of boys, then something must be changed.
...probably the boys.

i think that it's also important to get rid of the stereotypes we have where straight men have to be tough, and gay men aren't.

so there's this boy...

Maybe it's just cause I get my feelings confused. Maybe I just can't clarify, in my head, the difference between liking someone, and liking someone. But no. Anyway, there's this boy, man. I think that we're old enough to be men. I hope we are. but, there isn't anything that different about him. He's somewhat feminine, has black curly hair. He's kind of- sticking to hetro-normative words- a bitch. I don't know, maybe it's not a crush. I think... That I don't know. maybe I'm just looking for a good friend.

But then again, maybe I just get feeling confused in my head.

Dear Friend,

i don't have money for postage. but i did need to respond to you. the past couple of days have been hectic and am jealous. i have no reason to be jealous, but i noticed that i back down, or kind of run away. and that's probably why i've always thought of myself as a bird. cause i just go away when i get uncomfortable. you're a good friend, and i don't know if those words will sting you like they've stung me in the past. you are a good friend, and i think that i was the one who made things uncomfortable for everyone. so, i'll work on that. you're a great person.

love, 

Micah.

things are going to work out, most likely.

i'm shaking.

i don't know if i'm just too cold, or if it's the caffeine, or my blood sugar. i think i might be a little angry as well.

whatever it is it needs to stop. i need sleep.

i understand, and i'm sorry.

i don't...

due to my absences, i might have to finish school in California. and you know that's what i wanted, i mean only kinda... i wanted to be there again, not be forced down there, to start over again. they have different graduating standards. and social standards. there isn't enough in the mall. i wouldn't actually have friends. i would have a family. two actually. i don't want to. i'll miss her, and them- all of you. but lets hope that doesn't happen.

or maybe it'll be good for me. i bet i'd spend more time focused on my schoolwork that's a plus.i'm sure i could visit during breaks. and see everyone. would it be that bad?

i'm indecisive. and it's killing me.

well, at least we can still talk about our hair.

i hate being at school. i really only have a hand full of people i can talk to.
and i will be as immature as i want to, because i deserve that.
i'm up to my ears in homework. nobody really cares. and i still have to do the play. i don't want to do the play. i never did. auditioning wasn't my choice. it was Fineman's. it's okay though. because i still am at least making most people happy.

i realized that all the cliches about growing up are true. at least the ones in those dumb 1990's feel good films.