I'm not as broken as I want to be.

it's late. I feel like I can't do anything right. At least Mercedi said that I didn't fuck up tonight, and I held together. Maybe I'll figure out my life soon.

What do you want from me? not "What do you want for me.

I have so much on my mind, and if you ask me, I'll tell you that I don't.
I don't want this, anymore.

okay.

NO.

I constantly feel like I'm fucking up my life. Like every aspect- Not just with you, but like I still haven't gone down to Pierce. And I'm gonna be there for the rest of my fucking life. I'm not smart enough to do all this, I also don't even know how to handle my emotions anymore. I've been cutting again, and I feel like I can't stop- and I don't want to start smoking again, because I mean I don't want to willing do to myself what Scott had thrusted upon himself.

Also, the thing with you... maybe it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been drunk- but I was. And maybe it shouldn't have happened, because reasons. and I'm sorry.

I'M JUST SO FUCKING SORRY ALL THE FUCKING TIME
and I'm sorry that I'm freaking out- and that I need to talk all the time and that I need someone to talk to about death. I'm sorry I'm not brave, and that I can't handle anything. I'm sorry that you have to babysit a lot. It's not fair. I'm sorry that I'm so emotional- and I'm sorry that I cut myself.

My head is drowning in it's own thoughts.

It's 7:34 in the AM

I didn't sleep. I tried to, but I couldn't.
I want to chop my legs off.
I don't want to go back in time to undo what I did.
However, I do want to go back in time and stop myself from drinking that whole french press at 11:15.
I would like to stop thinking for the day.
I would also like to make everyone feel happier about this whole situation.

I'm so sorry

I honestly don't know if I can continue with this "friendship."
I want to- because we're finally talking but, I feel like shit when I come home.
And I can't keep putting you in that situation anymore.

We'll talk in the morning.

I can't explain my emotions- and I refuse to, because I can't.

But know that the word "love" might be used a couple times- and possibly a different ways.

Next time we hang out I will tell you a story- about my life, and my hopes.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm living my life wrong.
Shouldn't I have more friends my age?
Shouldn't I have a best friend, or at least someone I tell things to?
Shouldn't I be doing more with my life?
Shouldn't I be content with being content?
Shouldn't I be happier?

No. No. NO. no. NO nononononononononononononononononononononononono
I can't anymore.

But hey, at least I'm graduated.

I know what I want.

I just don't know how to go about it. Usually I need some sort of push in the right direction. 
I don't think that I should- maybe you're right, I'm too flakey. 


I'll make a Pro's and Con's list.
That's how I've solved my problems in the past.

Sometimes you say things to me, and I don't know how to think anymore.

No, John Hughes, life doesn't happen like that.

In Pretty in Pink, Duckie loves Andie. Where is the line drawn? What about Duckie's happiness?
I don't understand why someone would think that it was okay to write this- I understand that being friends with the person you love is 100x better than not talking to them, and their happiness mean a lot to you. But I still think that Duckie should end up with Andie.

It's just a movie though- I'm getting too caught up in the lives of fictional characters.

I think I am happy right now.
I  have some really good friends, and my body image is better than it's been in a while.
I really think that I'm happy.