i realize that with sleep i actually function. it's just become habit for me to get like three to four hours of sleep at night. and maybe one more during the day. this is what my body has gotten used to, healthy or not, it's what i need at this moment. i'm fine without sleep.

and you.

i was upset about the never mind.
i didn't know what you meant by it...
was it something that i did?

J. K. tall little cutie (fucker)

i get jealous when i see him.
but then i think that he'll be just like me.
and he'll get over how he feels, and he'll love someone else. then no one.

The toughest part of the movie for me, was remembering why I read the book, and how well I felt that I related to Charlie. And sure, I can relate, but I don't have the trauma. or those friends... at least not anymore, I don't think I was ever that close to someone.

But I do also remember cutting myself, and the last couple times I did, it wasn't because I was sad, it was because other's situations, and their problems. I was, in a way, hoping to take away some of their pain... but it didn't work.

Disgusted and Motivated.

today i heard the most disgusting, and shocking thing i could ever hear. "it's her fault she was raped."
the idea that culture has let this become a widely accepted view is disgusting. in no way should a victim ever be held responsible for something so horrifying. maybe it's just that i know a lot, well not a lot, but i know some people who were victimized in that way, and how they blamed themselves for their situation, but it's not the victim's fault. never.
i just know that the homophobic, ignorant, douche who said that would think differently if it had been their sister, or if he was a woman. maybe the circumstances of this individual, and how he grew up made him think so wrongly, but i think that we should change the culture, and the education, with situations like this.

and for you, you forced her to do something that she was uncomfortable with, she asked you not to. and then later, while arguing with her, you said, "it takes two to tango." i honestly think that you should be hung from a tree, you forced yourself on her, and made it impossible for her to say no. that is sexual abuse.  and later blamed her. we were friends. i was friends with both of you. now i can't look at you without thinking about what you did. and sure it might be viewed as socially acceptable, but it's not in anyway. i want you to know this. i have lost a lot of respect for you.
this is why we don't talk anymore.

i'm just a boy.

one day you'll realize that. there is really no depth anymore.
everything that you see now, that's all there is, bitter, lonely.
but i'm making my way to somewhere better, at least i think i am.

that's the problem, all i've been told lately it's all bullshit. i'm staying where i'm at right now not going backwards. there is a difference.

two things. pt. 2

i was going to apologize, i know how tough break-ups are. but then i thought maybe in some way you need this. maybe something to humble you. and sure you've been busy, and you have been wronged. but you are also wronging someone too, with what seems like a "no cares" mentality. and so i want you to make things better and i know that it's going to take time. but i'm asking you to do this. you know?

(on a more angry note.)

it's always easier to tell people how to live, rather than actually live like that- grow the fuck up. all of you!

i think  that you are actually a really nice person (all of you). i think that you deserve so much out of this life. but you still have so much to learn. but just some good thoughts for.

you are lovely-

you are probably the most  talented person ever. 

you are also very beautiful. 

you are a brilliant writer. 

you're nice. 

you're a good friend, to everybody.

my afternoon with yelling, pushing, and cigarettes.

maybe this is what God had intended for me the whole time. maybe it was for me to be involved in some way, to be a sort of damage control. it works for Mr. Brown, and Mr. Gandra,  yeah maybe i'll be the me-version of them. I don't know it'd be easier if God was more direct about this.