Is this it? Is this all I have to look foreword to? Because I'm always wanting more than I have, and maybe that's wrong.
I found a girl who likes me, and I think I might have some direction finally, and it's nice to know I don't have to be Parker, I could just be me.
People like me, so why can't I like myself?
Maybe one day I'll be good enough for myself.

I just want some understanding- I'm totally lost, like a kid at a mall who has been separated from their, father. I just keep looking for him, and he's not there. he hasn't been there for 11 years. 
I WANT MY DADDY! 
I want comfort, I want to not be in the dark.
I want to be happy.
I want a reason to hope. 

I went to a wedding, a Christian wedding, they washed each other's feet as a symbol of humility and service- it was pretty cute. But the thing that got me, was their genuine love for each other. But there was something else... It was like a pure and innocent love as well. And that was sweet for me to see. I don't really see that too often, because creeping on other people isn't my thing. If I ever get married, I want it to be a sweet and pure and innocent kind of love, and maybe Jesus needs be involved for a love like that, maybe not. I'm alright with that.

Also their color scheme was nice.

I wish I could show the world it was beautiful.
Not the actual world, though if it did have insecurities, I'd want to fix that too.
I for the longest time thought that I was worthless, because of how I looked/look.
There are too many girls that I know, and I say girls because a lot of them are under 16, that think that they're fat, or ugly, or too tall, or just not good enough in general. And some people just might shrug that off as normal teenage girl thoughts. But it's not something that should happen. People should feel that they have worth, because they themselves are people who have worth. Beauty isn't something that shouldn't be attainable, it just is something that everyone has. And it doesn't define worth- but society tells us that it does.
And it's not just with women, or young girls- it's a problem with men, and young boys too. we were just socialized to ignore it, or fix it, actually- bury it. I don't know... When I was a sophomore I started cutting myself because I never thought that I would be good enough, you know? Because I wasn't studdly enough.
I understand embracing your body, but using words like "fat" and "ugly" aren't the way to do it.
I don't know, I wish that I could fix this problem. Not just with the world, but also with me.
We all deserve to be healthy and happy.

I'm not as broken as I want to be.

it's late. I feel like I can't do anything right. At least Mercedi said that I didn't fuck up tonight, and I held together. Maybe I'll figure out my life soon.

What do you want from me? not "What do you want for me.

I have so much on my mind, and if you ask me, I'll tell you that I don't.
I don't want this, anymore.

okay.

NO.

I constantly feel like I'm fucking up my life. Like every aspect- Not just with you, but like I still haven't gone down to Pierce. And I'm gonna be there for the rest of my fucking life. I'm not smart enough to do all this, I also don't even know how to handle my emotions anymore. I've been cutting again, and I feel like I can't stop- and I don't want to start smoking again, because I mean I don't want to willing do to myself what Scott had thrusted upon himself.

Also, the thing with you... maybe it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been drunk- but I was. And maybe it shouldn't have happened, because reasons. and I'm sorry.

I'M JUST SO FUCKING SORRY ALL THE FUCKING TIME
and I'm sorry that I'm freaking out- and that I need to talk all the time and that I need someone to talk to about death. I'm sorry I'm not brave, and that I can't handle anything. I'm sorry that you have to babysit a lot. It's not fair. I'm sorry that I'm so emotional- and I'm sorry that I cut myself.

My head is drowning in it's own thoughts.

It's 7:34 in the AM

I didn't sleep. I tried to, but I couldn't.
I want to chop my legs off.
I don't want to go back in time to undo what I did.
However, I do want to go back in time and stop myself from drinking that whole french press at 11:15.
I would like to stop thinking for the day.
I would also like to make everyone feel happier about this whole situation.

I'm so sorry

I honestly don't know if I can continue with this "friendship."
I want to- because we're finally talking but, I feel like shit when I come home.
And I can't keep putting you in that situation anymore.

We'll talk in the morning.

I can't explain my emotions- and I refuse to, because I can't.

But know that the word "love" might be used a couple times- and possibly a different ways.

Next time we hang out I will tell you a story- about my life, and my hopes.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm living my life wrong.
Shouldn't I have more friends my age?
Shouldn't I have a best friend, or at least someone I tell things to?
Shouldn't I be doing more with my life?
Shouldn't I be content with being content?
Shouldn't I be happier?

No. No. NO. no. NO nononononononononononononononononononononononono
I can't anymore.

But hey, at least I'm graduated.

I know what I want.

I just don't know how to go about it. Usually I need some sort of push in the right direction. 
I don't think that I should- maybe you're right, I'm too flakey. 


I'll make a Pro's and Con's list.
That's how I've solved my problems in the past.

Sometimes you say things to me, and I don't know how to think anymore.

No, John Hughes, life doesn't happen like that.

In Pretty in Pink, Duckie loves Andie. Where is the line drawn? What about Duckie's happiness?
I don't understand why someone would think that it was okay to write this- I understand that being friends with the person you love is 100x better than not talking to them, and their happiness mean a lot to you. But I still think that Duckie should end up with Andie.

It's just a movie though- I'm getting too caught up in the lives of fictional characters.

I think I am happy right now.
I  have some really good friends, and my body image is better than it's been in a while.
I really think that I'm happy.

Today wasn't a good day- or at least towards the later part of the day- It was that damn comment about education-("Dumb people shouldn't be allowed to go to college, Or maybe smart people should get it for free, because they're the ones who are actually going somewhere in life.") because then I started feeling like I wasn't smart, and that I don't deserve college- I mean, math, science, and history are all facts and boring- there isn't much room for expansion on those topics, so i choose not to pay those subject much attention. But because those have been my Achilles Heel(s) then maybe he thinks that I'm not smart and that I don't deserve the same college education as him.
Maybe i'm not smart.
I couldn't even start my essay on my own.

Here's to change-

Here's to hoping.
Here's to late night phone calls.
Here's to awkward real life conversations.
Here's to drunk phone calls, and tears.
Here's to kissing (not for me though, just in general).
Here's to friends.

Here is to the past year.

It's nice to be thought of.

I know what I want, but I don't know what to expect.

I don't really know what to expect anymore.

I felt my night come crashing down as soon as those words left your fingertips.

I just don't feel good enough- and it's not really your fault- I think that I just might have depression.

On an almost completely different note- I think that instead of going to California- I'm going to spend most of my summer applying for jobs. Or maybe I should just go to McDonalds-

If what they say is true, I'll be happy.
But you'll have to be sad.
And I just want you to be happy.

Every fucking time- I manage to burry myself deeper into a hole.
pretty soon I'll be all alone.

Regret and Shame go hand in hand.

I've fucked up my life like I fucked up my lines.
not enough for anyone to notice- but enough to not let me sleep at night.

I think I'm done-
done talking about it.
and done talking to you.

Emotionally- I'm not able to handle all of my life right now.

I want you to tell me to grow up.
Tell me to get over myself.
Tell me to get over you.
I want you to slap me across my face.
To tel me to never talk to you again.

But I also want you to tell me to never grow up.
Tell me to accept myself.
Tell me to never get over you.
I want you to hold my hand.
To tell me to always talk to you.

I don't know how I feel. (that's a lie)
Today was easier than  I thought. (until rehearsal)
I think I'm going to avoid everything[*] for a while. [that has to do with you]
I hope things go well tomorrow. (They probably won't)

I don't know if I can emotionally handle tomorrow.
I don't know if I feel comfortable talking to you with Jamie- he's probably upset-
If he's like me- he is.

It's raining again.

I think that I like the rain more than I like the sun-
Normal thoughts on the rain would be that it's depressing or that it just makes things more difficult, like walking or driving- rain normally would frustrate most people. But I think that rain can be like a baptism.
The sun is nice- but it doesn't have that cleansing feeling that rain has. You know?

I'm realizing that I was never fully honest with anyone- because I was afraid to be just like everyone else, and not mysterious enough.

I've smoked the equivalent of an entire pack in the last 24 hours. something is wrong.

I know what's wrong- but I can't fix it. I kinda don't want to go tonight.

I hope I was able to convey how i felt.
but due to the alcohol- I'm afraid that if I didn't you'll never know
because I'll never admit it.

Last night was fun- I mean I don't get me wrong.
But at the same time I feel so alone- and not like the i don't have a significant other- but  as like the I don't have anyone. And this morning- waking up and not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone. While this feeling inside me is telling me that I should just start cutting.
And in my dream last night- my scars were so bad- and they just couldn't stop throwing up- and he killed himself. I'm broken. I can't do this anymore.

I don't know if you still read these.

You used to tell me that you wanted me to see myself as you saw me.
And now I tell others that-
You probably were my best friend-
I guess it's good to have others now.
(Well if I actually hadn't pushed everyone away) 

because I pushed everyone away. it wasn't just you-
and it wasn't just her- and him.
it was everyone- I thought I could handle this sort of isolation, but I realize that I can't. but I don't also know how to get back the relationships I had. I need someone that I can tell all my secrets to again- because holing on to them is like holding on to ten thousand stone balloons and jumping off the pier.

I was thinking how sorry I am. and I guess being sorry isn't enough anymore.
I feel like I've just turned into a empty shell. I'm constantly apologizing for everything-
things I shouldn't even be sorry for. and then I apologize for that.

So I've just stopped talking. I figured that that's the best option for me.

on my mind

i think that it's easy for us to get angry, and for us to force blame on everyone else. Yes there are problems happening, and most likely nothing is going to fix them. but that doesn't mean that we should verbally attack people- or necessarily confront them. tragic things happen. but instead of seeing all the damage and devastation and getting angry- look for a different point of view. see why they acted the way they did. and i know that empathizing with a murderer is unusual- but it's helpful to everyone- at least i think it is. understanding makes a world of difference.

Yeah I know, I suck- or life does.

You know it doesn't really matter.

That's cool.

No- actually what I meat is I know that we aren't friend anymore but I mean it would be wonderful if we could be again. I'm just too indecisive to have any real friendship or relationship.

I have things that I want to say, but right now I'm just too exhausted to defend them.

Last summer my heart raced at the thought of holding someone's hand.
Now, nothing short of ripping my own flesh will make my heart race like that.
And now i'm just a shell of the boy i was.
I left him in the woods too long-
He was just a boy left for dead.

We all hate ourselves.

Thigh gap. nothing upsets me more than the thought of people starving themselves for there to be a space between their legs. Or making themselves vomit just to have a flat stomach- or to be able to see there ribs. Why does society's version of beauty have to be stick thin plain white girls. 

Why can't we all be beautiful? 

you might not be able to fit in that definition of "beauty" but I still think that you're lovely. and I know that my thought don't matter. 

And I want you to be content with who you are as a person. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. 

I still hate myself most days.

Let's see if I can articulate this properly.

Nothing. 

Nailed it.

Our lives are troubled.

I shot a man when i was sixteen.

I looked him straight in the eye, and pulled the trigger. 
I left him with a gaping hole in his head to match the one in my heart.

       I slept with a strange man, then later his wife.

       I cut my chest open and watched the blood flow from it like a river.
I was told that this would cleanse the evil from me. 

I was alone. 

I saved a kid from drowning in a lake.

I gave a complete stranger the clothes (no longer) on my back,

walked down the street completely naked. 

      Never was there a heavier burden lifted.

       I cut my chest open tonight, and watched the flowers grow from my rotting corpse.
I bleed out the evil that never existed.
I was never alone.

I try my hardest to not think about things that effect me emotionally. My main coping mechanism is to force the feelings out of my system and to numb myself. Or just write them down and never read them again.
But it’s not a fool-proof system. Things have a way of creeping on me and hitting me extremely hard. It’s kind of like being able to find your way around a darkened room quite well. You know where everything in this room is and do your best to avoid these things when navigating said room. But in darkness, things that aren’t seen can be forgotten about and have a way of really messing up your navigation once it’s presence is noted again.I don’t know if this metaphor makes sense to anyone reading it… I guess it doesn’t need to make sense to others. Just me. And it does make sense to me. So it’s okay I guess. What I’m trying to say is that I’d like prayer. For my mother, more than anything. If you knew my mother, you’d understand. Ever since 1999, she’s been on a downward spiral with no regard for anyone or anything around her on her way down. She’s a paranoid schizophrenic and suffers from delusional thoughts and cannot manage a state of contentment without the presence of a man. She hasn’t been a real mother to me in almost 10 years. Although she could easily get a better-paying job with better work conditions, she chooses to stay in her current profession because she enjoys the pity she receives for the wages and tasks that she must do. Thinking of my mother in this condition compared to the memory of the bright, loving woman who was my mother when I was a child causes me so much pain. She was a phenomenal mother. We went on adventures and she taught me to paint and how to love others. She coached my soccer team and was vibrant and beautiful. I still need that woman more than words can express. Being fully aware that she is gone and never coming back is a thought that has plagued me for an incredibly long time. It sits in the back of my mind and eats away at my spirit. It’s a cancer of longing that will never be fulfilled. Did she realize how badly I’d need a mother? Did she realize that I longed for maternal guidance and affection for years and never received it? I needed someone to talk to about boys and doubts and how afraid I was to become like everyone else. I pray for peace in my mind and heart. And more so, for my mother. I’m just afraid.

this isn't how I feel but, I have so much compassion for this woman, and I just wish that there was something that I could do- 
that there was something that could be done. 
I wish this world wasn't so fucked up. 
she deserves so much more...
I mean, we all do- don't we?

So it's nice to pretend that everything is going to get better. But lets be real. He's dying, has been for over a year now. And I guess since he's accepted it, we should. I was eight when my dad died. It wasn't that big of a deal, because I didn't know him. The man was a complete stranger he was only there for like two years. But imagine being that age and losing the perfect dad. The dad who was always there. And the thing that gets me is, he's not just a dad, he's a son, he's a fiance. The pride and joy, as well as the love of someone's life. What kind of fucked up world do we live in? This shouldn't be happening. What is to be learned form this? What kind of way is this for God to show his love, or power?
i'm angry at God. What kind of sick plan is this? He didn't choose to get pancreatic cancer at the age of 36.

.

we all hate ourselves. because we're told to.

i don't know what i was hoping for, but i was hoping for something.

Today while I was filing for Alyson, there was this kid who isn't really sweet in any way. He got a better score on a test, than this other kid. Normally it's not that big of a deal. But he was totally being horrible to this kid, and saying not only that this kid was stupid, but that he was somehow better than him for getting a better score. I didn't really know what to do.
What could i do?
I'm actually not an authority figure, I'm a secretary.

"There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil things, and those who see evil things and don't try to stop it."

i don't know why or what.

oh come on now you give yourself too much credit, he was young, and that's all you need to get your hopes dashed, is be young. and everyone starts out young. so everyone gets their hopes dashed.

blonde hair turned, still ocean blue eyes. 

i feel pathetic. and so small. 

i also think that i don't ever want to date because i romanticize the people themselves and not the relationships. Tiffany, Parker, Haley, i should have realized this. and i still feel like i have this need, when i wake up from dreams. i'm not happy. i miss Tiffany.

I hate New Year's. It is dumb to me, that people once a year decide to change their life around. Why not have enough motivation to change it when you see the problem? 

I mean the reflection is pretty cool. But the whole lets get drunk part kinda sucks. Maybe I'm just too bitter. I do hate a lot of things now. 

Maybe I just don't buy into hype.