my head is going to explode.
my heart dropped into my stomach, and my stomach into my lower digestive tract.

wouldn't it be nice, if we could just live with our convictions that we had when we were younger. we held so tightly to them. we always did what we thought was right, but now, now we will do what we've always thought to be wrong so long as it feels good. things change and lives become different, we adapt, i guess. oh well.

i am rather upset, this is the worst.
my time of depression usually starts later in the year. the sun at least isn't shining anymore.
i've lost all motivation to do anything. i just want my friends, food and good music. maybe i'll just start working for the weekend. maybe.

i feel like a jerk.

what a load of lies. you're broken on the floor, and i'm sorry but i'm tired of being the fucking "Good Samaritan" i've been there done that, and i was just a rebound. i was just a way for you to cope. like me with cigarettes, speaking of which i'm out. but i don't want to be there for you anymore. because you keep saying it like i'm to blame for your unhappiness, when in all honesty i would have been miserable. and the other night, i actually didn't want to talk. because for me there is nothing left to say. things really can't go back to me putting you back together when you fall apart. i'm not glue to hold your life together.

i'm only a man.

we've gone to far, band-aids can't fix us now

the things that i witnessed today, made me want to vomit. (And i'm not talking about the pee all over the toilet seat.)
Her name is Tatiana, she's new. how would you feel starting a new school, and having every one in your fine arts class hate you? not having friends is bad enough, but people are genuinely hating her. and nobody deserves that. you might have your issues with her but lets get one thing straight. she was just trying to be liked, she was new. she isn't fake! you are all fake. you are all the real life Regina George's. you are horribly two faced and douchey.
but i have more important things to do than to rip apart your self-esteem, and make you not want to come to school.
and i know that Tatiana, you will never read this, but it needs to be said regardless. you are a beautiful young woman, and you shouldn't have to go through all the shit that they put you through. i'm starting my own drama family, and you can be a part of it. but you deserve better. i'm sorry that they suck so much. i hope things get better for you.

there is nothing worse than being left with a bitter feeling, and trying to get over that depression. maybe literal rain will be good for my figurative desert.

then suddenly, a wall of tears.

people make mistakes, christians call them sins, most people i know just say, "you done fucked it all up", but they all happen, you leave your lights on, you leave your house unlocked, you say something rude, you leave cookies in the oven for too long. you become afraid of commitment and run away. you get scared and back out of a fight. you don't stand up for what you believe in. you throw a ball too far and it goes over the fence. you say something that isn't a big deal to you, but to him, and he goes home and cut himself.
she stares into the mirror looking and hoping to be back to the size that she was when she was her skinniest, 7th grade.
you realize that you tried and got nowhere- with almost everything.
but hey i'm going to the fair... i'll be with friends and
I WON'T CRY, i'm a big kid now.

this week hasn't been good for me. i realize that i'm actually really upset about something. and the only words that i can form are:
"Fuck him, fuck her, fuck you, fuck you, fuck everyone."

some nights.

i hate the band fun, they just don't appeal to me in anyway. their music is catchy, and they are pretty talented.i just don't like them.

i've noticed that when i walk around school, i have this air about me, it's almost like i think i'm better than everyone there. but i know that that's not true. i think that i just don't know how to deal with the situations i've been given.

i hate that i'm actually going to have to do homework this year. if only i hadn't slacked off these past years. but i need to graduate on time.

i miss you sometimes. and i just had a problem with commitment, like maybe i was just too close for comfort. what if i hadn't had the guts... it really wasn't you, i set everything into motion- but then i think back to it, and i think that the decisions that "we" made were for the best. and that both of us are happier now. i mean, you seem happier.

things aren't working out like i had imagined. but they will, i have my shampoos, and music that you've never heard of, and that you'd probably never want to listen to anyway.

Well I've been down to Georgia

I've seen the streets in the west.

I've driven down the 90, hell I've seen America's best.

I've been through the Rockies, I've seen Saskatoon

I've driven down the highway 1 just hopin' that I'd see you soon.

'cause I'm comin' 

I've never been to Alaska, but I can tell you this

I've been to Lincoln, Nebraska and hell you know it ain't worth shit.

I've been through Nova Scotia, Sydney to Halifax

I'll never take any pictures cause I know I'll just be right back.

'cause I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home.

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home.

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home.

Comin' home.

I've seen a palace in London, I've seen a castle in Wales

but I'd rather wake up beside you and breathe that ol' familiar smell.

I never thought you could leave me, I figured I was the one

but I understand your sadness so I guess I should just hold my tongue.

But I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

Comin' home, I'm comin' home

Comin' home

I know that we're takin' chances, 

you told me life was a risk.

I just have one last question...

will it be my heart or will it be his?

I'm comin' home, comin' home

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home, comin' home

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home, comin' home

I'm comin' home

-City and Colour

i miss more than this, but i don't tell my secrets to anyone anymore.

as you can imagine. there are things i miss.

wouldn't it be nice to actually be straightedge, unlike most people i know. you aren't straightedge if you plan on breaking edge when you turn 18 or 21. so it is a serious thing to some people.

wouldn't it also be nice to smoke again. maybe it would be better if i had a bottle of vodka.

toady was the first time in a long time i've felt like crying. it was horrible. but don't worry, i didn't i was able to keep my masculine facade up for a little bit longer. but i'm going to blame you for it. it's how we don't talk like we used to. and the awkward eye contact. 

at least the fair is in town.