it's all my fault.

i know that i'm an asshole.
i know that i tried replacing you.
i know that you deserve to be happy.
but i'm not good at that.

i know that you aren't happy.
i know i could fix that.
i know that i spent too much time with her.
and i know that i kind of abandoned you. and everyone.
i miss you.

i just wish i could get everyone together, and we could all listen to mewithouYou and drink coffee or tea. but that's not going to happen.  i fucked everything up with people because i don't like getting close. even being friends i get awkward. and i'm sorry.

if you hurt him, i swear to god i will ruin your life.
he deserves better.
better than you're willing to give him.

so there's this girl...

i don't know much about her. her name is taylah. she lives in Brisbane, Australia. she is probably the sweetest person i've never met. and i would fly around the world to meet her.  i'm glad i'm still on tumblr.

Masculinity is a bitch.

lets be real, anytime a boy says something endearing to another boy. they have to (for reason of being thought of as a homosexual) clarify that they're not by stating no homo.
i have two problems with this.
1. why can't straight men talk about their feelings without being viewed as a gay man?
2. more importantly, why is there a negative connotation on the word gay? is there something wrong with the word gay? or is it the thought of being gay? because if it's afraid of being not masculine, then we might actually have more problems than i thought.
where did this idea come from? why do men need to be overly masculine, and if i'm not like that, does that make me less of a man
i think that if this irrational fear of being gay is hindering the growth of boys, then something must be changed.
...probably the boys.

i think that it's also important to get rid of the stereotypes we have where straight men have to be tough, and gay men aren't.

so there's this boy...

Maybe it's just cause I get my feelings confused. Maybe I just can't clarify, in my head, the difference between liking someone, and liking someone. But no. Anyway, there's this boy, man. I think that we're old enough to be men. I hope we are. but, there isn't anything that different about him. He's somewhat feminine, has black curly hair. He's kind of- sticking to hetro-normative words- a bitch. I don't know, maybe it's not a crush. I think... That I don't know. maybe I'm just looking for a good friend.

But then again, maybe I just get feeling confused in my head.

Dear Friend,

i don't have money for postage. but i did need to respond to you. the past couple of days have been hectic and am jealous. i have no reason to be jealous, but i noticed that i back down, or kind of run away. and that's probably why i've always thought of myself as a bird. cause i just go away when i get uncomfortable. you're a good friend, and i don't know if those words will sting you like they've stung me in the past. you are a good friend, and i think that i was the one who made things uncomfortable for everyone. so, i'll work on that. you're a great person.

love, 

Micah.

things are going to work out, most likely.

i'm shaking.

i don't know if i'm just too cold, or if it's the caffeine, or my blood sugar. i think i might be a little angry as well.

whatever it is it needs to stop. i need sleep.

i understand, and i'm sorry.

i don't...

due to my absences, i might have to finish school in California. and you know that's what i wanted, i mean only kinda... i wanted to be there again, not be forced down there, to start over again. they have different graduating standards. and social standards. there isn't enough in the mall. i wouldn't actually have friends. i would have a family. two actually. i don't want to. i'll miss her, and them- all of you. but lets hope that doesn't happen.

or maybe it'll be good for me. i bet i'd spend more time focused on my schoolwork that's a plus.i'm sure i could visit during breaks. and see everyone. would it be that bad?

i'm indecisive. and it's killing me.

well, at least we can still talk about our hair.

i hate being at school. i really only have a hand full of people i can talk to.
and i will be as immature as i want to, because i deserve that.
i'm up to my ears in homework. nobody really cares. and i still have to do the play. i don't want to do the play. i never did. auditioning wasn't my choice. it was Fineman's. it's okay though. because i still am at least making most people happy.

i realized that all the cliches about growing up are true. at least the ones in those dumb 1990's feel good films.

monday 7:45 am. "ah-hmm"

a new record- 7:15, my day reached an emotional peak, only to come crashing down all around me.

i mean i knew i would hear about it at some point.

and i honestly shouldn't care. it shouldn't bother me.

maybe i'm upset because it was my first.
maybe it's because of who they are.
maybe i'm just not able to do this yet.

all throughout first period i had to hold back from feeling any kind of emotion (tears). keep from flipping desks over and running out of the class. i was actually beyond fuming.

fuck him, you, those people who were my friends...


i think i might have just now realized that i'm alone here.


IanaMae HELP ME PLEASE!!

"This world destroyed her."

you don't need this

you, from what i have noticed, have always had some type of boy trouble. but it's not you're average boy troubles- they hate you.  but i don't understand you're actually wonderfully beautiful, you have a lot of lovely attributes- you deserve better. but you already know this. you never need any type of affirmation, but here it is. don't let them treat you that way.

"trees cover a multitude of sins."

-Bob Ross

i think that this is the most beautiful statement i've ever heard in my life.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!
...all of you, you all act like you know me so well. well, let me tell you something, you don't know anything about me. you, you know my struggles, you know my dreams, but not what i really want out of life? you think that you can just stand there and diagnose me, and say that you finally understand things. but you don't. you can't you were never good at it. and no amount of insight will help you. no "understanding" you get from reading my blog will ever help you understand anyone. especially when you haven't actually talked to me in over a month.

and you, why do you even pretend that you're so understanding? you hate just as much as "they" hate. you are just as upset, and bitter as "they" are. i want you to go back to being a moderate person, or at least pretending to be. because now we don't have anything to talk about, not anymore.

it's been a while since i've checked this website.
so... um this made me really happy.

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/11/our-differences-unite-us.html

two things. pt. whatever

listen, i love you but you've changed too much. and i don't really like it. i don't know if i want to be around you anymore. you're actually just becoming hateful- just like "them" i hope you've noticed this. not like them, though. you're on the other end of the spectrum.

i can feel my chest getting tighter. like someone is sitting upon me.

I CAN'T HANDLE IT!!!

it's like my limbs are getting heavier,

there is a slight sting. it is all over.

i think  that it's easy for us to dehumanize  people based on simple things, (i.e. how they look, how they talk...). but i don't really feel that, that's fair to them. calling someone an ogre, won't do anything but lower their self-esteem which might already be low. we don't actually know what a person deals with internally, so the way we treat them is important. the qualities that we hate most in them might be an attempt to fit in, or a defense mechanism.

remember, a wise man once said, "a person is a person no matter how small".

for the glory of God.

Scott Garrett, a 36 year old man, he is a really good guy. okay? has a daughter, who is roughly eight-nine i think. is divorced. has a fiance who has waited all her life, for a man like this to come along. a messianic jew, so you know he's "one of us". was a pediatric nurse. okay? good guy, great guy. sweetest disposition. last year, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, everything seemed like it was going to work out. but still it was a horrible blow to the family. fast forward to their last diagnosis. Scott's cancer has gotten worse. it has wrapped it's way around his spine, spread to other vital organs. the doctors said that there is not much that they could do.
but don't worry it's all for God's glory. watching a 250 pound man go to about 170 pounds, for the glory of God. watching it affect Fineman, and Sidney- God's glory. watching his body slowly kill itself, God's glory.

i do still believe in God. but i just don't understand... how could this happen?

bitter.

So while my parents were watching fox news tonight, I got really upset. Mr. Hannity was bitching about how President Obama wasn't doing his job as president, in dealing with the effects of Hurricane Sandy, comparing him to President Bush. And the thing that upset me the most wasn't the way he was talking about Mr. Obama, it was how he wasn't actually willing to do anything himself. (Other than sit there and complain about how other people aren't doing it right.) i'm sure that Sean Hannity has given some money to the red cross or some other charity. but i also don't think that it was that much of a sacrifice. In all honesty, how time consuming is it to film a talk show? not as long as it takes to rebuild a city.
I guess what i'm trying to say is- don't just complain about how things suck, if you have the power to do so fix it.

i realize that with sleep i actually function. it's just become habit for me to get like three to four hours of sleep at night. and maybe one more during the day. this is what my body has gotten used to, healthy or not, it's what i need at this moment. i'm fine without sleep.

and you.

i was upset about the never mind.
i didn't know what you meant by it...
was it something that i did?

J. K. tall little cutie (fucker)

i get jealous when i see him.
but then i think that he'll be just like me.
and he'll get over how he feels, and he'll love someone else. then no one.

The toughest part of the movie for me, was remembering why I read the book, and how well I felt that I related to Charlie. And sure, I can relate, but I don't have the trauma. or those friends... at least not anymore, I don't think I was ever that close to someone.

But I do also remember cutting myself, and the last couple times I did, it wasn't because I was sad, it was because other's situations, and their problems. I was, in a way, hoping to take away some of their pain... but it didn't work.

Disgusted and Motivated.

today i heard the most disgusting, and shocking thing i could ever hear. "it's her fault she was raped."
the idea that culture has let this become a widely accepted view is disgusting. in no way should a victim ever be held responsible for something so horrifying. maybe it's just that i know a lot, well not a lot, but i know some people who were victimized in that way, and how they blamed themselves for their situation, but it's not the victim's fault. never.
i just know that the homophobic, ignorant, douche who said that would think differently if it had been their sister, or if he was a woman. maybe the circumstances of this individual, and how he grew up made him think so wrongly, but i think that we should change the culture, and the education, with situations like this.

and for you, you forced her to do something that she was uncomfortable with, she asked you not to. and then later, while arguing with her, you said, "it takes two to tango." i honestly think that you should be hung from a tree, you forced yourself on her, and made it impossible for her to say no. that is sexual abuse.  and later blamed her. we were friends. i was friends with both of you. now i can't look at you without thinking about what you did. and sure it might be viewed as socially acceptable, but it's not in anyway. i want you to know this. i have lost a lot of respect for you.
this is why we don't talk anymore.

i'm just a boy.

one day you'll realize that. there is really no depth anymore.
everything that you see now, that's all there is, bitter, lonely.
but i'm making my way to somewhere better, at least i think i am.

that's the problem, all i've been told lately it's all bullshit. i'm staying where i'm at right now not going backwards. there is a difference.

two things. pt. 2

i was going to apologize, i know how tough break-ups are. but then i thought maybe in some way you need this. maybe something to humble you. and sure you've been busy, and you have been wronged. but you are also wronging someone too, with what seems like a "no cares" mentality. and so i want you to make things better and i know that it's going to take time. but i'm asking you to do this. you know?

(on a more angry note.)

it's always easier to tell people how to live, rather than actually live like that- grow the fuck up. all of you!

i think  that you are actually a really nice person (all of you). i think that you deserve so much out of this life. but you still have so much to learn. but just some good thoughts for.

you are lovely-

you are probably the most  talented person ever. 

you are also very beautiful. 

you are a brilliant writer. 

you're nice. 

you're a good friend, to everybody.

my afternoon with yelling, pushing, and cigarettes.

maybe this is what God had intended for me the whole time. maybe it was for me to be involved in some way, to be a sort of damage control. it works for Mr. Brown, and Mr. Gandra,  yeah maybe i'll be the me-version of them. I don't know it'd be easier if God was more direct about this.

my head is going to explode.
my heart dropped into my stomach, and my stomach into my lower digestive tract.

wouldn't it be nice, if we could just live with our convictions that we had when we were younger. we held so tightly to them. we always did what we thought was right, but now, now we will do what we've always thought to be wrong so long as it feels good. things change and lives become different, we adapt, i guess. oh well.

i am rather upset, this is the worst.
my time of depression usually starts later in the year. the sun at least isn't shining anymore.
i've lost all motivation to do anything. i just want my friends, food and good music. maybe i'll just start working for the weekend. maybe.

i feel like a jerk.

what a load of lies. you're broken on the floor, and i'm sorry but i'm tired of being the fucking "Good Samaritan" i've been there done that, and i was just a rebound. i was just a way for you to cope. like me with cigarettes, speaking of which i'm out. but i don't want to be there for you anymore. because you keep saying it like i'm to blame for your unhappiness, when in all honesty i would have been miserable. and the other night, i actually didn't want to talk. because for me there is nothing left to say. things really can't go back to me putting you back together when you fall apart. i'm not glue to hold your life together.

i'm only a man.

we've gone to far, band-aids can't fix us now

the things that i witnessed today, made me want to vomit. (And i'm not talking about the pee all over the toilet seat.)
Her name is Tatiana, she's new. how would you feel starting a new school, and having every one in your fine arts class hate you? not having friends is bad enough, but people are genuinely hating her. and nobody deserves that. you might have your issues with her but lets get one thing straight. she was just trying to be liked, she was new. she isn't fake! you are all fake. you are all the real life Regina George's. you are horribly two faced and douchey.
but i have more important things to do than to rip apart your self-esteem, and make you not want to come to school.
and i know that Tatiana, you will never read this, but it needs to be said regardless. you are a beautiful young woman, and you shouldn't have to go through all the shit that they put you through. i'm starting my own drama family, and you can be a part of it. but you deserve better. i'm sorry that they suck so much. i hope things get better for you.

there is nothing worse than being left with a bitter feeling, and trying to get over that depression. maybe literal rain will be good for my figurative desert.

then suddenly, a wall of tears.

people make mistakes, christians call them sins, most people i know just say, "you done fucked it all up", but they all happen, you leave your lights on, you leave your house unlocked, you say something rude, you leave cookies in the oven for too long. you become afraid of commitment and run away. you get scared and back out of a fight. you don't stand up for what you believe in. you throw a ball too far and it goes over the fence. you say something that isn't a big deal to you, but to him, and he goes home and cut himself.
she stares into the mirror looking and hoping to be back to the size that she was when she was her skinniest, 7th grade.
you realize that you tried and got nowhere- with almost everything.
but hey i'm going to the fair... i'll be with friends and
I WON'T CRY, i'm a big kid now.

this week hasn't been good for me. i realize that i'm actually really upset about something. and the only words that i can form are:
"Fuck him, fuck her, fuck you, fuck you, fuck everyone."

some nights.

i hate the band fun, they just don't appeal to me in anyway. their music is catchy, and they are pretty talented.i just don't like them.

i've noticed that when i walk around school, i have this air about me, it's almost like i think i'm better than everyone there. but i know that that's not true. i think that i just don't know how to deal with the situations i've been given.

i hate that i'm actually going to have to do homework this year. if only i hadn't slacked off these past years. but i need to graduate on time.

i miss you sometimes. and i just had a problem with commitment, like maybe i was just too close for comfort. what if i hadn't had the guts... it really wasn't you, i set everything into motion- but then i think back to it, and i think that the decisions that "we" made were for the best. and that both of us are happier now. i mean, you seem happier.

things aren't working out like i had imagined. but they will, i have my shampoos, and music that you've never heard of, and that you'd probably never want to listen to anyway.

Well I've been down to Georgia

I've seen the streets in the west.

I've driven down the 90, hell I've seen America's best.

I've been through the Rockies, I've seen Saskatoon

I've driven down the highway 1 just hopin' that I'd see you soon.

'cause I'm comin' 

I've never been to Alaska, but I can tell you this

I've been to Lincoln, Nebraska and hell you know it ain't worth shit.

I've been through Nova Scotia, Sydney to Halifax

I'll never take any pictures cause I know I'll just be right back.

'cause I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home.

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home.

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home.

Comin' home.

I've seen a palace in London, I've seen a castle in Wales

but I'd rather wake up beside you and breathe that ol' familiar smell.

I never thought you could leave me, I figured I was the one

but I understand your sadness so I guess I should just hold my tongue.

But I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

Comin' home, I'm comin' home

Comin' home

I know that we're takin' chances, 

you told me life was a risk.

I just have one last question...

will it be my heart or will it be his?

I'm comin' home, comin' home

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home, comin' home

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home, comin' home

I'm comin' home

-City and Colour

i miss more than this, but i don't tell my secrets to anyone anymore.

as you can imagine. there are things i miss.

wouldn't it be nice to actually be straightedge, unlike most people i know. you aren't straightedge if you plan on breaking edge when you turn 18 or 21. so it is a serious thing to some people.

wouldn't it also be nice to smoke again. maybe it would be better if i had a bottle of vodka.

toady was the first time in a long time i've felt like crying. it was horrible. but don't worry, i didn't i was able to keep my masculine facade up for a little bit longer. but i'm going to blame you for it. it's how we don't talk like we used to. and the awkward eye contact. 

at least the fair is in town.

i don't know how he does it.

i hope one day you'll just wake up, and all that faith that you have... i don't know- 

you don't realize how much of an inspiration you are. 

you are a godly man, and even through all this. 

it's amazing.

He's amazing.

you're amazing.

we are what we hate most.

this is something that bothered me about you. just because you're educated, doesn't necessarily mean you're right. you specifically when it came to politics, you were raised that way, and convinced that it's right. in all honesty it is really nice that you're passionate about something, but you shove it down people's throats, the way you say conservatives do. they might be oppressive, but if you got what you wanted, that would also be oppressive. you wouldn't let other people think the way they want to. you would argue tooth and nail, and smash their heads against the cement, just to get them to think you're right. to bad there isn't a way for everybody to get along.

tonight, while i was driving, horribly i might add (i jumped two curbs), i was stopped at a traffic light, that came out of nowhere. and there was a loud siren, a fire truck turned the corner, into the direction i was hoping to go. my light turned green, and i saw two stop lights ahead of me the fire truck had stopped. i thought, oh i might get to see a burning building, my second thought i hope everything is okay. but what i saw wasn't a building on fire. a woman with a cast was laying on the ground, her glasses were quite a distance from her. a young man was pointing up the hill. while medics were trying to resuscitate her. people farther down the street heard the commotion, and were stopped fixated on these events. 

i hope that woman is okay. i hope it wasn't a meaningless act of violence, nor do i wish it a meaningful act of violence. i wish that bad things in this world didn't happen like this. especially when i'm trying to clear  my head.  right now my head is far from clear. but more than anything i hope that woman is alright. 

jealously is funny. it's like i want to have the opportunities, but when i did i never took them. and even these future ones, well i'm not going to take those either. you know why? an old friend told me, all the time, you're just too damn passive.

i really wasn't that passive. she was "just too damn aggressive". and look at where it got us...

what you wanted... at least, it's not that you didn't have it.
you know. i'm really just angry.

she married him.

i'm fucking euphoric.

i'm standing still, standing still!

i missed our conversations-

"My God is only as big as I let him be and
I am not gonna limit my God with my disbelief
My God has always, always been there for me
and I am not gonna limit my God with uncertainty

I DON'T HAVE MUCH! (but it might amount to a mustard seed)
I beg for miracles and then I breathe
I scream for signs and wonders and then my heart keeps its beat"

that's all i was trying to say earlier, but... yeah.

i don't know what to do anymore, (like i ever did).
i'm just going to ignore this, that's what i do with everything.
there isn't much i like about myself anyway.

so basically you're going to hell...

today at the fair, this lady, in a booth, asked if a friend and me if we were going to heaven. of course we said yes, she then asked why. she gave my date a list of possible answers. my friend chose three, something like "i believe in God, i'm a good person, and i've tried my best" the booth lady then looked at me. "yeah, well, i believe that Jesus dying on the cross was good enough for everyone. i don't believe in Hell." we then had an awkward conversation, where she told us that we were wrong. and made us go through this very impersonal, and highly religious, forced prayer (seriously we had to say it.) and she sent us on our way, while completely disregarding our questions.

it was an unpleasant experience.

to whoever knows where the tele remote goes at night.

i would appreciate it if you put the remote in plain sight, so i might watch Frasier at 11.
much obliged, -Micah

this is a letter i wrote to the members of my household. because the remote disappears every night. and it's rather upsetting.

maybe tomorrow...

i want to be better. just better at things.

nothing in particular. except i could think of somethings if you'd let me.

i'm going to be better. better in the way i know i need to. 

so i have this shirt...

i am unreasonable. i am bitter. i am pissed. i am feeling like shit. but mostly i am sorry. i am sorry that things are the way they are. i am sorry that i didn't say much other than, "i don't know". i am sorry that all she had to do was say something. i am sorry that i didn't try. i am sorry i am unreasonable, bitter and pissed right now. and hopefully i'll forgive myself. but until then. i'll be right here.

everything is everything

today made me realize that i'm not as happy about things.
at least we're friends...
just friends.


maybe everything is for the best right now.
i am really vulnerable right now.
maybe things just need to be things.

quick! i need a smoke.

i keep telling people that i've quit. and i have but i still get this feeling that i just want to start smoking again. but i don't like smoking.

maybe it's just how today went. maybe it's yesterday too. i bet it's just this week. but i don't know how to describe my feelings.

if my day was bad i can't even imagine how yours was. it seems to be affecting you so much more than me. but i went to Em's house today. she doesn't like the name "Em". but anyway she told me i could cry in the bonus room if needed. and offered to lend me her pig socks. there were a couple times that i felt like crying and cutting. maybe even purging, but anything to make myself feel better. but i painted with chalk, on the sidewalk.
but that's what i needed-
no questions. no worries, at least until 6:45. but i needed this.
i'm sorry.

it's over i guess. probably official, now.

thank god i don't have to change my Facebook status.

i have nothing to say.

"i don't like any of it. none.

 all the perks have been thrown out the window, along with my enthusiasm. it seem like a shameful part

 of me. and i would wish to keep my secrets, well.. secret. 

 i told you i wanted to get better, but i don't. let's just add two more."

but that's it, i don't have this need to feel bad. because i guess there is a hope. not just for me, but for all of us.  my scars have healed, (as much as they can). 

my lungs will never again be poisoned. and alcohol, won't ever seduce me the way it did him. my two packs are gone. those magazines that i first saw at such a young house. are fading away. 

and my hatred is slowly turning,  i'm not as bitter. love is important.

i guess it seems like i hate this Jesus character, but in all honesty, i don't.

i hate people who think that they are like him.
i hate people who unjustly judge people, based on their sins, (or what they think are sins).
in all reality nowhere in The Bible does it say that suicide is a sin. and next time a daffodil princess has an unfortunate, and tragic end, don't go carrying on about how shameful it is. because the only thing that is shameful, is how insensitive you are towards this girl, and her family.
and you claim to be of love, but are too uppity to spend time with, (and love) people that Jesus himself would have. i'm sorry but one day i'll quit the church. and i want you to know, that it's all on you. as the
body of Christ.

whether or not, anything happens the way we planned.
i love you.
or whether it ends, tragically.
i still will love you.
if you decide not to, or decide to do so.
i will love you.

i guess that's it for now.

yes.

when you say that it belittles what Jesus did on the cross, i think that you are really just being selfish. you think that because you've lived this "holy" life, that because really you like to think that you're somehow better than these people who aren't "saved," that you deserve this wonderful afterlife. but  what makes you so special? because you half-heartedly, mumbled a pitiful prayer, and siad to your god, "i'm wrong, and i really want to change." that you deserve to go to heaven? well the fact is you hated, you lied, you sinned just like the rest of us.
really what belittles what Jesus did, is you telling people that there is a hell. and that Jesus' blood doesn't cover all. it only covers the elite. you are selfish. and it's not okay

nothing' s better than coming home... and tha's kind of what i've missed, but now, i miss you.

i think that i'm having withdraws, but it's okay just like a week and one-ish days... i think i can handle that it'll only have been like two weeks and two days.

i'm excited for this week though... i'm kinda nervous, i hear my cousin is a dick.

i'm excited because this is my life...

what more could i ask for?

i remember those cuts. i remember the tears. i don't want to, nut i do. forgive me if i was done with that conversation. but i had it too any times. i've experienced that kind of pain before, i also don't want to talk about it. but know things will get better they have to. well at least i always have something to look forward to.

you know, she was my reason. she is the only reason i stopped. don't ask me "why her?" because i really don't know. there has always been something about her...

get in my boat 

we’ll sail away

ive always been scared

scared of the sea

give you some string

you find your way home

and i will be waiting when you return

i can’t steal his heart

i can steal back mine

i can steal back mine

i can steal back mine

i can’t steal his heart

but i can steal back mine

stand in the shore*

arm is outstretched

the stars in the heavens

are doing their best

he calls my name

and i meet his eyes

now i have lived

might as well die

im saying things are

im saying things are

im saying things are

going to change

saying things are

singing things are

singing things are

going to change 

i can’t steal his heart

i can steal back mine

i can steal back mine

i can steal back mine

i can’t steal his heart

but i can steal back mine

takes off my crown

throws it to the sky

and we are in emblazed

as bright lights will thrive

oh we will thrive

i can’t steal his heart

i can steal back mine

i can steal back mine

i can steal back mine

i can’t steal his heart

but i can steal back mine

steal back mine 

-Emily and The Woods

it was an awkward exchange-

i never want anything to stop.

i want life to keep going as is.

we should continue, i should stay young and careless-

i want everything.

i want to go back to, what i thought was a transparency between us. one that at one point might have existed, but it could have just been a made up thought in my head. one where i told you my secrets, and you told me yours. i guess i never told you everything- and you never told me. but maybe having that would be nice. you were my best friend. i want that again.

Jesus seems like a nice guy and all. 

he might save people. 

he might be miraculous. 

i don't want you, to try and save me, besides it's not something that you could do anyway. you are a nice person. but you really can't do anything. not you. 

Jesus might be able to but you... i can't begin to talk about my hatred for your religion. i can't do... i can't... talk about it.

today was nice, before dinner was fun. dinner tasted good. after dinner was sweet, and somewhat frustrating. okay actually it was horribly upsetting. but it's okay cause we talked it through, and eventually we figured it out. Jenga's tough-

there once was a girl who was made out of glass. people would throw rocks at her, just to see her crack.  i'm afraid, that i'm just throwing rocks disguised as love. if you shattered i would put you back together though. i really would

i don't know, i feel like i was the one who was wronged. i'm expected to have an open and honest relationship. but when i tell you my secrets, i get grounded, when i tell you when i mess up, you yell. when i show you my struggles, i get sent to live with conservative christians for a week. that seems fair.

do you remember last year?

do you remember how we weren't friends?

and how i was miserable all the time-

do you remember how i would talk behind your back?

and you wouldn't talk to me?

and how i would avoid you? just cause i was being dumb.

and remember how my friends left, and i was in pain... i'm sure you remember.

let's never talk about it. 

"when you're ready, just say you're ready

and all the baggage, just ain't as heavy

we'll change the pace, and just go slow."

NO. just no.

i don't know if you get this thought that you are striving to stay above the water, but there are rocks in your pockets, and there are hands reaching from underneath to pull you down. or there is a thin piece of glass, and it's the only thing separating you from the one that you love more than anything? you can hear them... but you are unable to crack the glass. you aren't strong enough. that's my at the moment. 

but you still put up with me. and you've had to go through so much shit just to get to that point. i just wonder if i'm worth it. 

more than anything i want everyone to be happy. if it meant that i was gone. i would do it. but the thing is someone will always be upset. i wish that you could have her. but you can't. i wish i could believe in God, but at the moment, i don't know.  i wish your parents didn't fight, and that you were happy. i wish that could see how wonderful you are. i wish i was content with my life, but i'm not.
i wish that God's love enough, but what you're telling me is it's not.

    when i'm sad i get quiet.
i don't talk to people
i don't make eye contact
i don't laugh
but i don't cry either.
    when i'm sad it's cause i upset someone
it's cause people are rude
it's cause i failed
it's cause i cut deep
                               but why are you?

well, i'm glad that we're working on the being cute part. who knows maybe we'll see those pictures online some day... or not. 

i like kissing you.

you give me a happiness that nothing else can. and i'm hoping that it lasts a long time, maybe longer. anything would be nice. i'm not picky, as long as you were there.
waking up next to you, looking into your blue eyes. grabbing your hand, kissing you on the cheek, saying good morning, and then proceeding to make your coffee. i would enjoy that. or maybe just another date.

firstly- we need new phones

no matter what, there is this thought in the back of my mind. it's always there, just whispering in my ear, "you're not good enough." and it's normally after i have a bad day, or a sad conversation (which in all actuality is sweet, and endearing.) but it's still-

i know that i am causing some pain. i'm giving one kid false hope, and another i'm just straight up, crushing him. while slowly beginning the process, of hating myself again. i think back on last year, and how i would lead her on. all in an attempt to make you think that i was fine. but really i was broken beyond repair. 

i'm better now, or, at least i was. that night, saturday, i was getting upset. i thought about punching a wall. i knew that it would solve anything.  but then, BAM! an idea, maybe that would make me happier. it didn't, it momentarily took away the anger, but replaced it with confusion. i was wandering the streets barefoot, closed eyes. hoping not to get hit by a car. 

last night, i was upset. and what bothers me, is that i should be able to tell you these things in person. but i can't. but i'll finish where i left off. but you know.

- "i just really like both of them. i can't decide" 

...

- Kaleb, and the haunted theatre. 

- the last time i went for a run. i kept running 'til i felt no more pain, 'til i collapsed, and cried. i couldn't breathe-

- after reading my journal, you gave me a hug. i didn't want that. not then. 

...  i guess that was everything.

i  love you. i don't even think that you understand how much you mean to me.

i know that it sounds cliche, and i've probably have said it before. but i want to be homeless and have nothing, if you were there with me. i would lose my mind in a giant house, by the sea, all by myself. with you, would be wonderful. but a shack would be ideal. i don't even know if my thought are making sense.

i was reading through my blogs from quite some time ago, and there were re occurring words and phrases like "i love you" and "i'm pathetic." i wasn't a happy kid.

but i am now. and i haven't been able to form thought like Keats, Path, e.e. cummings, or any notable romantics. it's like when i'm trying to speak spanish, i understand it, just don't ask me to reiterate what was said (for fear of plagiarism.)

so i don't know, just looking at your face tonight was hard for me. i guess i know that you're disappointed with me, why wouldn't you be? i mean you know, i was this good kid once. really i swear to god i was. i used to be like you. but something happened. and i changed. i hope it was for the better. but sure i did "that" and i don't regret it. but please don't give me those looks. maybe it was my vulgar language. it was something. and i'm sorry if i let you down, or was just annoying tonight. i don't know how to be normal. i'm just not good at that.

and can we stop talking like that? sure i know that it's "realistic thinking" but it sucks we'll grow apart, but why do we have to, i don't want to, i don't want to be another boy, because i've been that before. and i can't do that not with you. maybe i wasn't ready. but it was just progressing so well, and i wanted it. really i want to blame you. but it was me, it was. i don't know... it's a weekend, and i hate myself sometimes. maybe we'll add another cut. take another drag. do another shot. i'll figure something out. people are leaving, and i'm going to leave. it's not something i can handle. you can't either.


one time i thought that it was okay to not get close to people, for fear of of getting attached, and then they go. but i realized awhile ago that people leave, they go. and you get over it. it's life... but it's shit! and i'm speaking too much, and people are going to get tired of me.
they always do, you will. i know.

i think i'm done for awhile... like legitimately. i think that i've hurt people, i'm horribly rude. i know it.

like i've said before. i'm done for awhile. beside i talk too much. and it gets to the point where people stop listening.

i spent all day being "tired" well really only when i was around you. that was the emotional capacity i've had lately. not being able to deal with things. but i hope that you, this thing can get better.


and hey, listen, my love, i was happy around you, today. like real happiness. you bring that out of me i guess. i just wish that sometimes i had that feeling on my own. but i still really like you. so you giving me happiness is no big deal.

    i think that people blow things way out of proportion. take a fear, spiders for example. spiders, a majority of the time won't hurt you. and won't even bother you. but when we see them we react with this horrible, spine-tingling scream. and i think that the same reaction, applies to anything that we react to in life. i have a friend. and she's really nice, her life is a nice life. she has a lot of the things that are truly essential to living. a home, food and countless friends with relationships like boulders. she looks at her life as though what she has isn't good enough. and i don't understand what would make it better. maybe another Joey. but people love her, and people don't love everyone else. boys give her attention, but still in her eyes she doesn't think that she is beautiful.
      i don't know what more you want out of life. whatever it is i hope that you get it, and you finally wind up happy. because i'm tired of hearing how your life sucks. it doesn't. and no... i hope you don't get what you want, i hope that you realize that what you have is enough. because it is.

there was  just  a  part of me that knew he couldn't handle today.
there was another part of me that told that other part to get out.

it all went wrong while i was cleaning my car. i found an old letter. but it's all good things went on.

also the passive me want to just let everybody else be happy. cause sometimes i think that my existence gets in the way of that sometimes.

"i'm sorry i didn't mean to crush your dreams."
"it's okay i can make new ones."


i really enjoyed tonight. 
i kinda feel like i want to say something but i can't. like the words won't come out at all, it's wonderful.
i'll give you a new vocab word kiddies:


Alexithymia- inability to describe, understand, or process, emotions in a verbal manner. 

okay i feel bad for the past couple of days.
i mean, i've been a dick. and don't tell me i haven't, because i know my intentions better than you do. it's just you've been difficult to read lately, and i can tell that it's just getting to be that time again. it happens when you're not content with your life situation. and you haven't been the same since you two stopped "talking" i just miss the old, less irritable you. and i'm sorry for being so horrible to you. i never would normally volunteer to be so vile towards you. i just wish that i could make things better for you... you know?

so this is where you were 

and this is where i am.

somewhere between unsure and a hundred.

i think as the conversation progressed tonight. i got happier. like overall, not just emotionally.

it's like he's not talking to at us.
he's speaking with us.
he's challenging us. either you like it or you don't.

today is wednesday.

what the hell?! i thought that we had gotten over this i'm not good enough shit? i'm sorry... but sweetie, there is more to being beautiful than having all the guys. beauty has confidence, and so should you.

given the facts, it's probably just what happened the other night. i just never told you.

happy mother's day. 

mom's are the best.

you are beautiful, and you are smart. i've always noticed this but i've never told you. i thought that you should just know. i don't like you as anything more than a friend. and you have amazing talents. you have a wonderful personality. i just think that you are a really good friend, i don't want you to make the mistakes that i've made.

-don't ever let the mirror win. you are beautiful.
-don't ever cut yourself. it'll permanently scar you, inside and out.
-don't let anyone tell you're too... anything. you are fantastic.
-don't ever smoke or drink. you're too young for that garbo.
-don't let him go too far with you. don't let him your heart. i don't want you to get hurt.
-don't ever let a boy define who you are. you are you're own person.
-don't let anyone tell you you're too young. you're maturity level is really high.

yeah...

coffee from D.R. right before bed. i can't do this. i'm not scared, i'm just kinda done with this. i hate school, and i don't want to do anything.

today in english, we wrote 6 word life stories. these were mine:

-was rescued by a sinking ship.
-sometimes i don't exactly finish my...
-i can't look in my mirror.

(life gives you lemons, free shit!!)

so i was trying to pee this afternoon and i heard a conversation. i don't know, i thought it was interesting. and it kind of had to do with morality.

"nigga you go to her house to hang out. you just spend the night."
"doesn't something else happen?"
"no things don't work like that."
"no i ain't trynna' go there to hang out. i'm gonna fuck her."
"people like you go to hell."
" nigga please, you go over to your girlfriend's house and fuck her."
"nigga i go there to hang out, we just end up having sex, i'm not trynna' to do it."

i felt like a horrible douche today, i mean nobody pointed it out. but still, he was a person. a really nice person who volunteered, to help kids. and i was rude. who the fuck am i to do that to a person? i'm horrible. i just blatantly made fun of him. what if he heard me? oh my god i just am heartless. i shouldn't make fun of people. what if he is insecure about it? 

i should be understanding of that... me of all people. i used to cut myself. maybe he did too. god i'm horrible. i can't... not now.

it's happens... but we get over it. we all learn to build bridges. they a hide the mistakes that we make on a day to day basis. they give us a false sense of comfort. the give us a false sense of accomplishment. we say, "oh, look at that wonderful bridge i created." but what they don't see is the giant pile of garbo that we've created. the horrible toxic river, that we don't want anyone to see.  how does anyone get over it? there is really only one way to get rid of it, a massive clean up effort. not just you trying to cover it up. but we all learn to make mistakes, and then run.

but trust me, the guilt goes away.

no, kissing a girl, that's yucky! 

 

i was watching hey arnold, and the all thought that the idea of kissing a girl was horrible. i think that the innocence that we had at that age was terrific, and it's too bad that things had to happen... but they dida and we just keep moving forward.

give it up. 

so whenever the two of you are around, i think of you. i can't stop thinking about how you must feel. she's flirting with your man, the whole time. you being her best friend. it has to be unbearable. and i can't stop thinking... "should i even talk to her? no that'll cause more tension to build. should i compliment her? no that could be taken as flirting. should i use cordial conversation? no that seems to casual, she'll think something happened? should i be a douche? no that's definitely flirtatious." so i try not to talk at all. ever. i think it's working.

i'm not really a person who talks about his struggles, but i will tonight. i don't think that there is anything that great about me. i mean it's not like i'm a murderer, and most things i do are socially accecptable. i don't know, it's probably just that every time you talk to me, it's like you're shitting in my confidence. and i have to see you everyday. you're constantly cutting me down. you might as well just stick the razor in my skin.

also i think that you are unhappy, because if me. and i wish that there was something that i could do. i know i read the letter, but i think that you told me that to make me feel better. and these thought that i'm not really what you're looking for in a person. i think that i'll never be good enough for you, even if i rally am.

i hate how you look down on anyone who tries to be different.

sure they're not the conventional ways of being different. but i think that's the point. differences should be celebrated, not mocked. i think that the worst part is, you know that you're just like everyone else. the only real thing you have going for you is your hair. and lets be real, it's not that different. but you want everyone to know that "there's something about you". you're trying hard to be different, just the same as anyone else. but you're not, i'm sorry. i'm sorry that you feel like your life is so mundane. that nobody likes you, that you aren't good enough. but don't make fun of them, don't judge them. you don't understand that they need to feel different just like you.

your views on life, you have no understanding. you are just as bad as the conservative christian moms that you hate so much. you judge just the same as they do. you judge the people that you don't know, don't understand, or that are different from you. you hate just the same as they do. you have no perspective. and next time could you please try to be the bigger person, i don't want karma to slap you in the face.

 get respect- give respect. really what you're saying is that i don't respect you until you respect me. why should they respect you, if you don't respect them? are you better than them? (according to that logic).   respect should be given no matter what? or at least you should be nice to them. but you can't seem to wrap you're head around the idea of being nice to someone who has messed up. let's all take one big look in the mirror. we've all messed up, but for the most part we're all good people. we have nothing to be overly proud of.  

i don't know...

why can't we be nice for once? why can't we love people?

given the chance i would never do that ever again. i mean, there is a part of me that wants to give up this belief that i have, and just do those things.  but i can't i guess you could call it morals, or my conscious. but i can't actually. am i missing out on something in life if i don't? i can't begin to explain this. but i don't want to i think that maybe it had something to do with what Stanczyk said, and the way he said it. he was so proud. it was honorable, but we laughed at him... and thought he was a loser. but he stands in his beliefs. it was beautiful.
it's a moral dilemma. but it's not because i'm a christian, it's actually just my family. things didn't work out for them.

i don't know if you understand this. but sometimes it's refreshing to hear thing like that. it really is i'm not mad at all. i love you.

this is my last one for awhile

he might die. it's sad, and horrible to think about. i will be there for you, anyway i can which i imagine is limited. i'm afraid that if something does happen, it will cause things to spiral. like cause other things to happen. drastic things. i' also afraid you'll push everyone away, your family, and your friends. (because yes you do have a shit ton of people who are here for you.)  i don't want any more shit to go down because lets face it, so much has happened to you in the past however long. there needs to be an upside sometime. at least i hope.

 i love you. it might not seem like much, but i'm here for you.

that's what i was trying to say.

so i am not going to drink, unless i'm old enough, or someone spikes my drink. i will not smoke (that's the end of it). i will not do drugs, because that seem like a big commitment.

i was cleaning my room out today, and there was this shirt that i hadn't worn in a while. it said stay edge. and i just thought that i didn't want to let (you) Antonio down. i reclaimed Edge because i thought "why not? i's a good thing, it's healthy living. alcoholism runs it the family" but so here i am, still Straight Edge, but barely holding on. (and lets be real i broke edge two-ish years ago) those damn cigarettes, and i love the taste of alcohol. it's a difficult situation. i'm still going to try, and the day that i'm not anymore, i'll tell you. and i don't want you to be upset. i've talked to you before.

aye yo, 

so uh listen, when you leave i'm going to be pretty upset. cause we do have some good talks, and you know sometimes you piss me off, sometimes i piss you off. but either way i'm really happy for you, you know this whole living the dream thing. it'll be wierd. and it's not you're going to be gone, you're just going south. and i'll visit you. no big deal. alright so good luck.

okay. listen. yes, he was wrong to do what he did, and unfairly judged, me leading the group to lynch him. i just realize that i was wrong, maybe even more so than him.  but please, don't ruin him. he doesn't deserve that, he is just like you. he has feelings and he made some mistakes. but so has everyone. don't tell people about his mistakes, it's not your place, and it's not mine.

home. that's a nice thing to have isn't it?

i'll have you. you'll have me. 

that's all you need for home, right?

just you, and me... maybe some cats. yeah i like cats.

oh and bacon. i love you know... bacon.

and no abuse. and no threats of suicide. no divorce. just bacon and cats.

somehow things worked out. 

at least they started to, but i realize that now things always find a way to bring down everything you hold dearly. it shake you to the very core. it's not fair. but they will, again. 

every fight is started by some misunderstanding, or ignorance. this one was a misunderstanding. 

mostly my fault. i should have paid more attention. and the timing was bad, for me at least. and Brenna, you are so funny. i really enjoy your friendship. but back to you. i will pay more attention to you, and i don't know, be less passive. but i still don't want to fight. there are better ways. 

yeah.

i have nothing to say. nothing at all. 

i'm sorry. 

i'm not mad, i'm not upset. i'm left feeling apathetic. staring out my window. at a tree, the slight breeze ripping off the petals. no sound is left. not even the faint chirping of birds. it''s just me and my bed that i refuse to leave. 

i'm not lying when i say i've become a cynic. it's not your fault though.

"i'm happy for you"
"why?"
"because you've wanted it for so long, and now... i think that people should get what they want. until they don't want it anymore."

i mean i felt pathetic, has my wanting been pining? have i really been that desperate?
i don't know...
i really don't, not anymore.

i like you, i really like you. 

forever won't be long enough. 

i will make up for lost time, the best i can.

Dearest, so today was wonderful, and i really enjoyed. i think that it was pretty close to perfect, despite the fact that Lucas just isn't anywhere to be found. but back to today, you're wonderful, you mean the world to me. 

                                                                                      yeah, i guess that's good. 

                                                                                     BTW's morning:)

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i've never been angry at you for the things that you've told me. it's just it makes me think how things were. and. that maybe you're just settling for this. like you had them, sure one left. the other one wasn't a good person. but me, i'm just me. the other ones, they had these talents, and skills, confidence. me i'm not like that. i'm different. but i don't want to be.
me, well here's a list of pro's:

• i'm a people person.
• i'm nice, unless my blood sugar drops.
• i'm attractive, not amazingly, or conventionally.
• i have nice hair.
• i'm not like the other guys, though.
• for the most part i'm a good person.
• i care a lot.
• i'm empathetic.

what the hell happened to you? you used to want to be a  pastor, you used to hate the idea of sex. you sent pictures of your dick to her. who do you think you are. no, just choose the country and girls over YOUR god. and don't tell me that i'm a horrible person because i used to drink and smoke. i'm fucking saint compared to you.


oh and i guess we do change, but does it really need to be this drastic?

you need to question everything. question your life, and your love, your beliefs, your very being. are you happy? is this life you're living what you thought it was "supposed to be"? or is it not what you wanted? and if it's not change it. you might have to hurt people. and might have to humble yourself, and say that you were wrong. make apologies. mend things. it's going to be hard though. but it's worth it.

some nights i just lay in bed and think about who i want to be

what did you call it again? infatuation..?
haha that's great i'll be sure to tell her that next time i kiss her, "i'm infatuated with you" so romantic.
i love her. and thats final. accept it.  she did. and it's going to be a long lasting love, well it is.

a great social success is a pretty girl who plays her cards as carefully as if she were plain.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald.

as you get older it is harder to have heros, but it is sort of necessary.
-Ernest Hemingway.

i'm sick of not having the courage to be a nobody.
-J. D. Salinger

love is or ain't. thin love ain't love at all.
-Toni Morrison 

i still get my words all tangled up when i talk to you.....

tonight i wanted to tell you to shut the fuck up. because i think that you are so beyond fantastic. and i wish that you saw the you that i see.

you still give me those butterflies that won't stop
and my heart beats really loud and fast whenever i think about you.
i think that what i'm saying is i'm in love with you, and only you.
i don't want this to end.

I'm gonna pick up the pieces,

and build a lego house

if things go wrong we can knock it down

My three words have two meanings,

there's one thing on my mind

It's all for you

And it's dark in a cold December, 

but I've got ya to keep me warm

and if you're broken I will mend ya 

and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on, now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

and out of all these things I've done 

I think I love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind

I'll do it all for you in time

And out of all these things I've done 

I think I love you better now, now

I'm gonna paint you by numbers

and colour you in

if things go right we can frame it, and put you on a wall

And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before

and I will surrender up my heart

and swap it for yours

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

and out of all these things I've done 

I think I love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind

I'll do it all for you in time

And out of all these things I've done 

I think I love you better now

Don't hold me down

I think my braces are breaking 

and it's more than I can take

And if it's dark in a cold December, 

I've got ya to keep me warm

and if you're broken then I will mend ya 

and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on, now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

and out of all these things I've done 

I think I love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind

I'll do it all for you in time

And out of all these things I've done 

I think I love you better now

-Ed Sheeran

i'm here and i'm staying here. i'm not going anywhere, unless you don't want me. (and that'll be your fault)

i will never not want you.

you're all i could ask for.

you're all i ever want.

lover dearest,
just listen to the sound of my voice, and stay awake.

#201

thank you for giving me something to blog about everyday.
i wouldn't be much without you.
so let's run away together, just you and me. but fuck the heart of the ocean.
i'll get you something better.



check the other ones.

making up for lost time.

we have a lot to do, i guess. but there was progress made today.

i think that it is important that we remember these thing. but we need not dwell on them, yes, they happened. they did damage. they left scars, both physical, and emotional. but we need to move forward. and not let them change us, not negatively. let them build character, make passion, and give hope. not to discourage, not to harm. no, not anymore. keep looking to the future, there is hope for me, and for you. and all of us. but we mustn't let it detour us. we are strong. we will keep moving. and we will not forget, not now, not yet.

sometimes i can't get words to come out of my mouth.

and all i can say is  "ahh... i... umm... hmm... well, i... you.. it's just that... ahh... ummm...
I LOVE YOU!"

what will we do? 

do you remember, that night? i think maybe that's when i fell in love.

i don't know if that's when you did, i mean i was always "in love" but then it was more of dipping my feet. but that night was like that night i jumped head first into it... but that night was the best. it was wonderful, and every other night that i've seen you as well.

or when after we chased each other around the theatre, with him... you read mine and i read yours. and i was on my way to hiding, so i wouldn't have to face you after that. but we ran into each other, and you looked at me the way you do. and you hugged me. i almost started crying, i felt pitiful. but you said i wasn't. that night too. don't you think it's weird how it's always us?

do you think it'll always be this way?

but i will make you see

that you belong with me 

stick me to you

nature needs no glue

always be true

-Slow Club

lover dearest,
           i love you. and i'm happy now. but have you ever noticed, that i'm not really happy unless i'm with you? that scares me. i should have my own confidence, my own happiness. but i don't really, and that's fantastic, so long as were together.

dearest, my love, darling, sweetie, mi amor...

but never babe. sometimes my girlfriend.

and always Daphne.

i'm slightly scared...
did i ruin you? when i met you, a couple years back, you were so shy and sweet.
not to say you aren't now, but you have changed. we could blame it on the people that we didn't like, but i honestly think it was me. and i'm sorry that my cussing, smoking, and overall bad habits influenced you. i'm sorry. i should have been better.

Aspyne Fae Lacross, born into a world where problems are constantly rising. i hope nothing but the best for you. sweetie, you are going togo through things in life, and it's not going to be fair but you are worth it. you are worth more than it. and i wonder if things had gone a different way. but i'm happy you're here, and healthy. 

Alix, good luck... i would like to see you sometime soon, and little Aspyne. of course Justin too!

things i wish i'd said:

• goodbye
• i'm sorry
• actually, there is quite some pain
• now
• no
• don't
• please don't go
• tonight
• yes 
• please
• forgive me
• i did
• just stop

but this is only what could have been. 

and i don't like to dwell on the past.

"my love" i like it. we should do that... all of it.
 but not now, because it's late and you're asleep.

btw's there's more...

those three words that are said too much but not enough

i think you're right. 

it's scary, but sometimes you have to go through scary things to get to what's good. 

do you understand what i'm saying?

i don't know what else to say other than, i love you.

then just say that.

i love you.

i love you too.

we're disgusting. 

i know, what happened to us?

you are more than my best friend, you are the girl i love. the first person i talk to in the morning, the last person i want to talk to before i go to bed. you are the reason i go to school most days.

and i love you.

you're also the background on my phone. haha

okay, so i'm going to try to explain this as best as possible.

i tend to avoid these places, 

• in front of the 400 building, by the gym.
• the PLU courtyard.
• that one side of Emerald City, by the bathroom.
• near the cave, where i fell on the rail.
• the bookstore. (unless it's by a window, where i can look out and forget where i am) 

today i went to these places.

and it wasn't the same, without you.

i love you more each day.

so i was sitting in your office today, and i was just thinking of what it's like to have to watch all this pain. all the drama, watch kids throw their life away, or watch kids make the most of what they have. watch all the pain, wishing you could fix our pain. and knowing all the scandals, wishing that they weren't happening, or at least not in the seats. but you go through all this, well... some of it.
as i was thinking this, i also thought, you teach us some life lessons and we don't even realize it. you teach us to think things through, or to be light on our feet.  you teach us how to roll with the punches, to get back up and fight. how to be flexible, and to manage time. also not to take ourselves too seriously.   and character development isn't so much about the character we are trying to portray, it's about seeing other's perspective. and teaching us how to be a quality person. you give us all this insight on how to live a life that's worth living.