i don't know if you understand this. but sometimes it's refreshing to hear thing like that. it really is i'm not mad at all. i love you.

this is my last one for awhile

he might die. it's sad, and horrible to think about. i will be there for you, anyway i can which i imagine is limited. i'm afraid that if something does happen, it will cause things to spiral. like cause other things to happen. drastic things. i' also afraid you'll push everyone away, your family, and your friends. (because yes you do have a shit ton of people who are here for you.)  i don't want any more shit to go down because lets face it, so much has happened to you in the past however long. there needs to be an upside sometime. at least i hope.

 i love you. it might not seem like much, but i'm here for you.

that's what i was trying to say.

so i am not going to drink, unless i'm old enough, or someone spikes my drink. i will not smoke (that's the end of it). i will not do drugs, because that seem like a big commitment.

i was cleaning my room out today, and there was this shirt that i hadn't worn in a while. it said stay edge. and i just thought that i didn't want to let (you) Antonio down. i reclaimed Edge because i thought "why not? i's a good thing, it's healthy living. alcoholism runs it the family" but so here i am, still Straight Edge, but barely holding on. (and lets be real i broke edge two-ish years ago) those damn cigarettes, and i love the taste of alcohol. it's a difficult situation. i'm still going to try, and the day that i'm not anymore, i'll tell you. and i don't want you to be upset. i've talked to you before.

aye yo, 

so uh listen, when you leave i'm going to be pretty upset. cause we do have some good talks, and you know sometimes you piss me off, sometimes i piss you off. but either way i'm really happy for you, you know this whole living the dream thing. it'll be wierd. and it's not you're going to be gone, you're just going south. and i'll visit you. no big deal. alright so good luck.

okay. listen. yes, he was wrong to do what he did, and unfairly judged, me leading the group to lynch him. i just realize that i was wrong, maybe even more so than him.  but please, don't ruin him. he doesn't deserve that, he is just like you. he has feelings and he made some mistakes. but so has everyone. don't tell people about his mistakes, it's not your place, and it's not mine.

home. that's a nice thing to have isn't it?

i'll have you. you'll have me. 

that's all you need for home, right?

just you, and me... maybe some cats. yeah i like cats.

oh and bacon. i love you know... bacon.

and no abuse. and no threats of suicide. no divorce. just bacon and cats.

somehow things worked out. 

at least they started to, but i realize that now things always find a way to bring down everything you hold dearly. it shake you to the very core. it's not fair. but they will, again. 

every fight is started by some misunderstanding, or ignorance. this one was a misunderstanding. 

mostly my fault. i should have paid more attention. and the timing was bad, for me at least. and Brenna, you are so funny. i really enjoy your friendship. but back to you. i will pay more attention to you, and i don't know, be less passive. but i still don't want to fight. there are better ways. 

yeah.

i have nothing to say. nothing at all. 

i'm sorry. 

i'm not mad, i'm not upset. i'm left feeling apathetic. staring out my window. at a tree, the slight breeze ripping off the petals. no sound is left. not even the faint chirping of birds. it''s just me and my bed that i refuse to leave. 

i'm not lying when i say i've become a cynic. it's not your fault though.

"i'm happy for you"
"why?"
"because you've wanted it for so long, and now... i think that people should get what they want. until they don't want it anymore."

i mean i felt pathetic, has my wanting been pining? have i really been that desperate?
i don't know...
i really don't, not anymore.

i like you, i really like you. 

forever won't be long enough. 

i will make up for lost time, the best i can.

Dearest, so today was wonderful, and i really enjoyed. i think that it was pretty close to perfect, despite the fact that Lucas just isn't anywhere to be found. but back to today, you're wonderful, you mean the world to me. 

                                                                                      yeah, i guess that's good. 

                                                                                     BTW's morning:)

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i've never been angry at you for the things that you've told me. it's just it makes me think how things were. and. that maybe you're just settling for this. like you had them, sure one left. the other one wasn't a good person. but me, i'm just me. the other ones, they had these talents, and skills, confidence. me i'm not like that. i'm different. but i don't want to be.
me, well here's a list of pro's:

• i'm a people person.
• i'm nice, unless my blood sugar drops.
• i'm attractive, not amazingly, or conventionally.
• i have nice hair.
• i'm not like the other guys, though.
• for the most part i'm a good person.
• i care a lot.
• i'm empathetic.

what the hell happened to you? you used to want to be a  pastor, you used to hate the idea of sex. you sent pictures of your dick to her. who do you think you are. no, just choose the country and girls over YOUR god. and don't tell me that i'm a horrible person because i used to drink and smoke. i'm fucking saint compared to you.


oh and i guess we do change, but does it really need to be this drastic?

you need to question everything. question your life, and your love, your beliefs, your very being. are you happy? is this life you're living what you thought it was "supposed to be"? or is it not what you wanted? and if it's not change it. you might have to hurt people. and might have to humble yourself, and say that you were wrong. make apologies. mend things. it's going to be hard though. but it's worth it.

some nights i just lay in bed and think about who i want to be

what did you call it again? infatuation..?
haha that's great i'll be sure to tell her that next time i kiss her, "i'm infatuated with you" so romantic.
i love her. and thats final. accept it.  she did. and it's going to be a long lasting love, well it is.

a great social success is a pretty girl who plays her cards as carefully as if she were plain.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald.

as you get older it is harder to have heros, but it is sort of necessary.
-Ernest Hemingway.

i'm sick of not having the courage to be a nobody.
-J. D. Salinger

love is or ain't. thin love ain't love at all.
-Toni Morrison 

i still get my words all tangled up when i talk to you.....

tonight i wanted to tell you to shut the fuck up. because i think that you are so beyond fantastic. and i wish that you saw the you that i see.

you still give me those butterflies that won't stop
and my heart beats really loud and fast whenever i think about you.
i think that what i'm saying is i'm in love with you, and only you.
i don't want this to end.

I'm gonna pick up the pieces,

and build a lego house

if things go wrong we can knock it down

My three words have two meanings,

there's one thing on my mind

It's all for you

And it's dark in a cold December, 

but I've got ya to keep me warm

and if you're broken I will mend ya 

and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on, now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

and out of all these things I've done 

I think I love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind

I'll do it all for you in time

And out of all these things I've done 

I think I love you better now, now

I'm gonna paint you by numbers

and colour you in

if things go right we can frame it, and put you on a wall

And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before

and I will surrender up my heart

and swap it for yours

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

and out of all these things I've done 

I think I love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind

I'll do it all for you in time

And out of all these things I've done 

I think I love you better now

Don't hold me down

I think my braces are breaking 

and it's more than I can take

And if it's dark in a cold December, 

I've got ya to keep me warm

and if you're broken then I will mend ya 

and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on, now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

and out of all these things I've done 

I think I love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind

I'll do it all for you in time

And out of all these things I've done 

I think I love you better now

-Ed Sheeran

i'm here and i'm staying here. i'm not going anywhere, unless you don't want me. (and that'll be your fault)

i will never not want you.

you're all i could ask for.

you're all i ever want.

lover dearest,
just listen to the sound of my voice, and stay awake.

#201

thank you for giving me something to blog about everyday.
i wouldn't be much without you.
so let's run away together, just you and me. but fuck the heart of the ocean.
i'll get you something better.



check the other ones.

making up for lost time.

we have a lot to do, i guess. but there was progress made today.

i think that it is important that we remember these thing. but we need not dwell on them, yes, they happened. they did damage. they left scars, both physical, and emotional. but we need to move forward. and not let them change us, not negatively. let them build character, make passion, and give hope. not to discourage, not to harm. no, not anymore. keep looking to the future, there is hope for me, and for you. and all of us. but we mustn't let it detour us. we are strong. we will keep moving. and we will not forget, not now, not yet.

sometimes i can't get words to come out of my mouth.

and all i can say is  "ahh... i... umm... hmm... well, i... you.. it's just that... ahh... ummm...
I LOVE YOU!"

what will we do? 

do you remember, that night? i think maybe that's when i fell in love.

i don't know if that's when you did, i mean i was always "in love" but then it was more of dipping my feet. but that night was like that night i jumped head first into it... but that night was the best. it was wonderful, and every other night that i've seen you as well.

or when after we chased each other around the theatre, with him... you read mine and i read yours. and i was on my way to hiding, so i wouldn't have to face you after that. but we ran into each other, and you looked at me the way you do. and you hugged me. i almost started crying, i felt pitiful. but you said i wasn't. that night too. don't you think it's weird how it's always us?

do you think it'll always be this way?