Today wasn't a good day- or at least towards the later part of the day- It was that damn comment about education-("Dumb people shouldn't be allowed to go to college, Or maybe smart people should get it for free, because they're the ones who are actually going somewhere in life.") because then I started feeling like I wasn't smart, and that I don't deserve college- I mean, math, science, and history are all facts and boring- there isn't much room for expansion on those topics, so i choose not to pay those subject much attention. But because those have been my Achilles Heel(s) then maybe he thinks that I'm not smart and that I don't deserve the same college education as him.
Maybe i'm not smart.
I couldn't even start my essay on my own.

Here's to change-

Here's to hoping.
Here's to late night phone calls.
Here's to awkward real life conversations.
Here's to drunk phone calls, and tears.
Here's to kissing (not for me though, just in general).
Here's to friends.

Here is to the past year.

It's nice to be thought of.

I know what I want, but I don't know what to expect.

I don't really know what to expect anymore.

I felt my night come crashing down as soon as those words left your fingertips.

I just don't feel good enough- and it's not really your fault- I think that I just might have depression.

On an almost completely different note- I think that instead of going to California- I'm going to spend most of my summer applying for jobs. Or maybe I should just go to McDonalds-

If what they say is true, I'll be happy.
But you'll have to be sad.
And I just want you to be happy.

Every fucking time- I manage to burry myself deeper into a hole.
pretty soon I'll be all alone.

Regret and Shame go hand in hand.

I've fucked up my life like I fucked up my lines.
not enough for anyone to notice- but enough to not let me sleep at night.

I think I'm done-
done talking about it.
and done talking to you.

Emotionally- I'm not able to handle all of my life right now.

I want you to tell me to grow up.
Tell me to get over myself.
Tell me to get over you.
I want you to slap me across my face.
To tel me to never talk to you again.

But I also want you to tell me to never grow up.
Tell me to accept myself.
Tell me to never get over you.
I want you to hold my hand.
To tell me to always talk to you.

I don't know how I feel. (that's a lie)
Today was easier than  I thought. (until rehearsal)
I think I'm going to avoid everything[*] for a while. [that has to do with you]
I hope things go well tomorrow. (They probably won't)

I don't know if I can emotionally handle tomorrow.
I don't know if I feel comfortable talking to you with Jamie- he's probably upset-
If he's like me- he is.

It's raining again.

I think that I like the rain more than I like the sun-
Normal thoughts on the rain would be that it's depressing or that it just makes things more difficult, like walking or driving- rain normally would frustrate most people. But I think that rain can be like a baptism.
The sun is nice- but it doesn't have that cleansing feeling that rain has. You know?

I'm realizing that I was never fully honest with anyone- because I was afraid to be just like everyone else, and not mysterious enough.

I've smoked the equivalent of an entire pack in the last 24 hours. something is wrong.

I know what's wrong- but I can't fix it. I kinda don't want to go tonight.

I hope I was able to convey how i felt.
but due to the alcohol- I'm afraid that if I didn't you'll never know
because I'll never admit it.

Last night was fun- I mean I don't get me wrong.
But at the same time I feel so alone- and not like the i don't have a significant other- but  as like the I don't have anyone. And this morning- waking up and not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone. While this feeling inside me is telling me that I should just start cutting.
And in my dream last night- my scars were so bad- and they just couldn't stop throwing up- and he killed himself. I'm broken. I can't do this anymore.

I don't know if you still read these.

You used to tell me that you wanted me to see myself as you saw me.
And now I tell others that-
You probably were my best friend-
I guess it's good to have others now.
(Well if I actually hadn't pushed everyone away) 

because I pushed everyone away. it wasn't just you-
and it wasn't just her- and him.
it was everyone- I thought I could handle this sort of isolation, but I realize that I can't. but I don't also know how to get back the relationships I had. I need someone that I can tell all my secrets to again- because holing on to them is like holding on to ten thousand stone balloons and jumping off the pier.