Jesus seems like a nice guy and all. 

he might save people. 

he might be miraculous. 

i don't want you, to try and save me, besides it's not something that you could do anyway. you are a nice person. but you really can't do anything. not you. 

Jesus might be able to but you... i can't begin to talk about my hatred for your religion. i can't do... i can't... talk about it.

today was nice, before dinner was fun. dinner tasted good. after dinner was sweet, and somewhat frustrating. okay actually it was horribly upsetting. but it's okay cause we talked it through, and eventually we figured it out. Jenga's tough-

there once was a girl who was made out of glass. people would throw rocks at her, just to see her crack.  i'm afraid, that i'm just throwing rocks disguised as love. if you shattered i would put you back together though. i really would

i don't know, i feel like i was the one who was wronged. i'm expected to have an open and honest relationship. but when i tell you my secrets, i get grounded, when i tell you when i mess up, you yell. when i show you my struggles, i get sent to live with conservative christians for a week. that seems fair.

do you remember last year?

do you remember how we weren't friends?

and how i was miserable all the time-

do you remember how i would talk behind your back?

and you wouldn't talk to me?

and how i would avoid you? just cause i was being dumb.

and remember how my friends left, and i was in pain... i'm sure you remember.

let's never talk about it. 

"when you're ready, just say you're ready

and all the baggage, just ain't as heavy

we'll change the pace, and just go slow."

NO. just no.

i don't know if you get this thought that you are striving to stay above the water, but there are rocks in your pockets, and there are hands reaching from underneath to pull you down. or there is a thin piece of glass, and it's the only thing separating you from the one that you love more than anything? you can hear them... but you are unable to crack the glass. you aren't strong enough. that's my at the moment. 

but you still put up with me. and you've had to go through so much shit just to get to that point. i just wonder if i'm worth it. 

more than anything i want everyone to be happy. if it meant that i was gone. i would do it. but the thing is someone will always be upset. i wish that you could have her. but you can't. i wish i could believe in God, but at the moment, i don't know.  i wish your parents didn't fight, and that you were happy. i wish that could see how wonderful you are. i wish i was content with my life, but i'm not.
i wish that God's love enough, but what you're telling me is it's not.

    when i'm sad i get quiet.
i don't talk to people
i don't make eye contact
i don't laugh
but i don't cry either.
    when i'm sad it's cause i upset someone
it's cause people are rude
it's cause i failed
it's cause i cut deep
                               but why are you?

well, i'm glad that we're working on the being cute part. who knows maybe we'll see those pictures online some day... or not. 

i like kissing you.

you give me a happiness that nothing else can. and i'm hoping that it lasts a long time, maybe longer. anything would be nice. i'm not picky, as long as you were there.
waking up next to you, looking into your blue eyes. grabbing your hand, kissing you on the cheek, saying good morning, and then proceeding to make your coffee. i would enjoy that. or maybe just another date.

firstly- we need new phones

no matter what, there is this thought in the back of my mind. it's always there, just whispering in my ear, "you're not good enough." and it's normally after i have a bad day, or a sad conversation (which in all actuality is sweet, and endearing.) but it's still-

i know that i am causing some pain. i'm giving one kid false hope, and another i'm just straight up, crushing him. while slowly beginning the process, of hating myself again. i think back on last year, and how i would lead her on. all in an attempt to make you think that i was fine. but really i was broken beyond repair. 

i'm better now, or, at least i was. that night, saturday, i was getting upset. i thought about punching a wall. i knew that it would solve anything.  but then, BAM! an idea, maybe that would make me happier. it didn't, it momentarily took away the anger, but replaced it with confusion. i was wandering the streets barefoot, closed eyes. hoping not to get hit by a car. 

last night, i was upset. and what bothers me, is that i should be able to tell you these things in person. but i can't. but i'll finish where i left off. but you know.

- "i just really like both of them. i can't decide" 

...

- Kaleb, and the haunted theatre. 

- the last time i went for a run. i kept running 'til i felt no more pain, 'til i collapsed, and cried. i couldn't breathe-

- after reading my journal, you gave me a hug. i didn't want that. not then. 

...  i guess that was everything.

i  love you. i don't even think that you understand how much you mean to me.

i know that it sounds cliche, and i've probably have said it before. but i want to be homeless and have nothing, if you were there with me. i would lose my mind in a giant house, by the sea, all by myself. with you, would be wonderful. but a shack would be ideal. i don't even know if my thought are making sense.

i was reading through my blogs from quite some time ago, and there were re occurring words and phrases like "i love you" and "i'm pathetic." i wasn't a happy kid.

but i am now. and i haven't been able to form thought like Keats, Path, e.e. cummings, or any notable romantics. it's like when i'm trying to speak spanish, i understand it, just don't ask me to reiterate what was said (for fear of plagiarism.)

so i don't know, just looking at your face tonight was hard for me. i guess i know that you're disappointed with me, why wouldn't you be? i mean you know, i was this good kid once. really i swear to god i was. i used to be like you. but something happened. and i changed. i hope it was for the better. but sure i did "that" and i don't regret it. but please don't give me those looks. maybe it was my vulgar language. it was something. and i'm sorry if i let you down, or was just annoying tonight. i don't know how to be normal. i'm just not good at that.

and can we stop talking like that? sure i know that it's "realistic thinking" but it sucks we'll grow apart, but why do we have to, i don't want to, i don't want to be another boy, because i've been that before. and i can't do that not with you. maybe i wasn't ready. but it was just progressing so well, and i wanted it. really i want to blame you. but it was me, it was. i don't know... it's a weekend, and i hate myself sometimes. maybe we'll add another cut. take another drag. do another shot. i'll figure something out. people are leaving, and i'm going to leave. it's not something i can handle. you can't either.


one time i thought that it was okay to not get close to people, for fear of of getting attached, and then they go. but i realized awhile ago that people leave, they go. and you get over it. it's life... but it's shit! and i'm speaking too much, and people are going to get tired of me.
they always do, you will. i know.