i don't know how he does it.

i hope one day you'll just wake up, and all that faith that you have... i don't know- 

you don't realize how much of an inspiration you are. 

you are a godly man, and even through all this. 

it's amazing.

He's amazing.

you're amazing.

we are what we hate most.

this is something that bothered me about you. just because you're educated, doesn't necessarily mean you're right. you specifically when it came to politics, you were raised that way, and convinced that it's right. in all honesty it is really nice that you're passionate about something, but you shove it down people's throats, the way you say conservatives do. they might be oppressive, but if you got what you wanted, that would also be oppressive. you wouldn't let other people think the way they want to. you would argue tooth and nail, and smash their heads against the cement, just to get them to think you're right. to bad there isn't a way for everybody to get along.

tonight, while i was driving, horribly i might add (i jumped two curbs), i was stopped at a traffic light, that came out of nowhere. and there was a loud siren, a fire truck turned the corner, into the direction i was hoping to go. my light turned green, and i saw two stop lights ahead of me the fire truck had stopped. i thought, oh i might get to see a burning building, my second thought i hope everything is okay. but what i saw wasn't a building on fire. a woman with a cast was laying on the ground, her glasses were quite a distance from her. a young man was pointing up the hill. while medics were trying to resuscitate her. people farther down the street heard the commotion, and were stopped fixated on these events. 

i hope that woman is okay. i hope it wasn't a meaningless act of violence, nor do i wish it a meaningful act of violence. i wish that bad things in this world didn't happen like this. especially when i'm trying to clear  my head.  right now my head is far from clear. but more than anything i hope that woman is alright. 

jealously is funny. it's like i want to have the opportunities, but when i did i never took them. and even these future ones, well i'm not going to take those either. you know why? an old friend told me, all the time, you're just too damn passive.

i really wasn't that passive. she was "just too damn aggressive". and look at where it got us...

what you wanted... at least, it's not that you didn't have it.
you know. i'm really just angry.

she married him.

i'm fucking euphoric.

i'm standing still, standing still!

i missed our conversations-

"My God is only as big as I let him be and
I am not gonna limit my God with my disbelief
My God has always, always been there for me
and I am not gonna limit my God with uncertainty

I DON'T HAVE MUCH! (but it might amount to a mustard seed)
I beg for miracles and then I breathe
I scream for signs and wonders and then my heart keeps its beat"

that's all i was trying to say earlier, but... yeah.

i don't know what to do anymore, (like i ever did).
i'm just going to ignore this, that's what i do with everything.
there isn't much i like about myself anyway.

so basically you're going to hell...

today at the fair, this lady, in a booth, asked if a friend and me if we were going to heaven. of course we said yes, she then asked why. she gave my date a list of possible answers. my friend chose three, something like "i believe in God, i'm a good person, and i've tried my best" the booth lady then looked at me. "yeah, well, i believe that Jesus dying on the cross was good enough for everyone. i don't believe in Hell." we then had an awkward conversation, where she told us that we were wrong. and made us go through this very impersonal, and highly religious, forced prayer (seriously we had to say it.) and she sent us on our way, while completely disregarding our questions.

it was an unpleasant experience.

to whoever knows where the tele remote goes at night.

i would appreciate it if you put the remote in plain sight, so i might watch Frasier at 11.
much obliged, -Micah

this is a letter i wrote to the members of my household. because the remote disappears every night. and it's rather upsetting.

maybe tomorrow...

i want to be better. just better at things.

nothing in particular. except i could think of somethings if you'd let me.

i'm going to be better. better in the way i know i need to. 

so i have this shirt...

i am unreasonable. i am bitter. i am pissed. i am feeling like shit. but mostly i am sorry. i am sorry that things are the way they are. i am sorry that i didn't say much other than, "i don't know". i am sorry that all she had to do was say something. i am sorry that i didn't try. i am sorry i am unreasonable, bitter and pissed right now. and hopefully i'll forgive myself. but until then. i'll be right here.

everything is everything

today made me realize that i'm not as happy about things.
at least we're friends...
just friends.


maybe everything is for the best right now.
i am really vulnerable right now.
maybe things just need to be things.