i think i'm done for awhile... like legitimately. i think that i've hurt people, i'm horribly rude. i know it.

like i've said before. i'm done for awhile. beside i talk too much. and it gets to the point where people stop listening.

i spent all day being "tired" well really only when i was around you. that was the emotional capacity i've had lately. not being able to deal with things. but i hope that you, this thing can get better.


and hey, listen, my love, i was happy around you, today. like real happiness. you bring that out of me i guess. i just wish that sometimes i had that feeling on my own. but i still really like you. so you giving me happiness is no big deal.

    i think that people blow things way out of proportion. take a fear, spiders for example. spiders, a majority of the time won't hurt you. and won't even bother you. but when we see them we react with this horrible, spine-tingling scream. and i think that the same reaction, applies to anything that we react to in life. i have a friend. and she's really nice, her life is a nice life. she has a lot of the things that are truly essential to living. a home, food and countless friends with relationships like boulders. she looks at her life as though what she has isn't good enough. and i don't understand what would make it better. maybe another Joey. but people love her, and people don't love everyone else. boys give her attention, but still in her eyes she doesn't think that she is beautiful.
      i don't know what more you want out of life. whatever it is i hope that you get it, and you finally wind up happy. because i'm tired of hearing how your life sucks. it doesn't. and no... i hope you don't get what you want, i hope that you realize that what you have is enough. because it is.

there was  just  a  part of me that knew he couldn't handle today.
there was another part of me that told that other part to get out.

it all went wrong while i was cleaning my car. i found an old letter. but it's all good things went on.

also the passive me want to just let everybody else be happy. cause sometimes i think that my existence gets in the way of that sometimes.

"i'm sorry i didn't mean to crush your dreams."
"it's okay i can make new ones."


i really enjoyed tonight. 
i kinda feel like i want to say something but i can't. like the words won't come out at all, it's wonderful.
i'll give you a new vocab word kiddies:


Alexithymia- inability to describe, understand, or process, emotions in a verbal manner. 

okay i feel bad for the past couple of days.
i mean, i've been a dick. and don't tell me i haven't, because i know my intentions better than you do. it's just you've been difficult to read lately, and i can tell that it's just getting to be that time again. it happens when you're not content with your life situation. and you haven't been the same since you two stopped "talking" i just miss the old, less irritable you. and i'm sorry for being so horrible to you. i never would normally volunteer to be so vile towards you. i just wish that i could make things better for you... you know?

so this is where you were 

and this is where i am.

somewhere between unsure and a hundred.

i think as the conversation progressed tonight. i got happier. like overall, not just emotionally.

it's like he's not talking to at us.
he's speaking with us.
he's challenging us. either you like it or you don't.

today is wednesday.

what the hell?! i thought that we had gotten over this i'm not good enough shit? i'm sorry... but sweetie, there is more to being beautiful than having all the guys. beauty has confidence, and so should you.

given the facts, it's probably just what happened the other night. i just never told you.

happy mother's day. 

mom's are the best.

you are beautiful, and you are smart. i've always noticed this but i've never told you. i thought that you should just know. i don't like you as anything more than a friend. and you have amazing talents. you have a wonderful personality. i just think that you are a really good friend, i don't want you to make the mistakes that i've made.

-don't ever let the mirror win. you are beautiful.
-don't ever cut yourself. it'll permanently scar you, inside and out.
-don't let anyone tell you're too... anything. you are fantastic.
-don't ever smoke or drink. you're too young for that garbo.
-don't let him go too far with you. don't let him your heart. i don't want you to get hurt.
-don't ever let a boy define who you are. you are you're own person.
-don't let anyone tell you you're too young. you're maturity level is really high.

yeah...

coffee from D.R. right before bed. i can't do this. i'm not scared, i'm just kinda done with this. i hate school, and i don't want to do anything.

today in english, we wrote 6 word life stories. these were mine:

-was rescued by a sinking ship.
-sometimes i don't exactly finish my...
-i can't look in my mirror.

(life gives you lemons, free shit!!)

so i was trying to pee this afternoon and i heard a conversation. i don't know, i thought it was interesting. and it kind of had to do with morality.

"nigga you go to her house to hang out. you just spend the night."
"doesn't something else happen?"
"no things don't work like that."
"no i ain't trynna' go there to hang out. i'm gonna fuck her."
"people like you go to hell."
" nigga please, you go over to your girlfriend's house and fuck her."
"nigga i go there to hang out, we just end up having sex, i'm not trynna' to do it."

i felt like a horrible douche today, i mean nobody pointed it out. but still, he was a person. a really nice person who volunteered, to help kids. and i was rude. who the fuck am i to do that to a person? i'm horrible. i just blatantly made fun of him. what if he heard me? oh my god i just am heartless. i shouldn't make fun of people. what if he is insecure about it? 

i should be understanding of that... me of all people. i used to cut myself. maybe he did too. god i'm horrible. i can't... not now.

it's happens... but we get over it. we all learn to build bridges. they a hide the mistakes that we make on a day to day basis. they give us a false sense of comfort. the give us a false sense of accomplishment. we say, "oh, look at that wonderful bridge i created." but what they don't see is the giant pile of garbo that we've created. the horrible toxic river, that we don't want anyone to see.  how does anyone get over it? there is really only one way to get rid of it, a massive clean up effort. not just you trying to cover it up. but we all learn to make mistakes, and then run.

but trust me, the guilt goes away.

no, kissing a girl, that's yucky! 

 

i was watching hey arnold, and the all thought that the idea of kissing a girl was horrible. i think that the innocence that we had at that age was terrific, and it's too bad that things had to happen... but they dida and we just keep moving forward.

give it up. 

so whenever the two of you are around, i think of you. i can't stop thinking about how you must feel. she's flirting with your man, the whole time. you being her best friend. it has to be unbearable. and i can't stop thinking... "should i even talk to her? no that'll cause more tension to build. should i compliment her? no that could be taken as flirting. should i use cordial conversation? no that seems to casual, she'll think something happened? should i be a douche? no that's definitely flirtatious." so i try not to talk at all. ever. i think it's working.

i'm not really a person who talks about his struggles, but i will tonight. i don't think that there is anything that great about me. i mean it's not like i'm a murderer, and most things i do are socially accecptable. i don't know, it's probably just that every time you talk to me, it's like you're shitting in my confidence. and i have to see you everyday. you're constantly cutting me down. you might as well just stick the razor in my skin.

also i think that you are unhappy, because if me. and i wish that there was something that i could do. i know i read the letter, but i think that you told me that to make me feel better. and these thought that i'm not really what you're looking for in a person. i think that i'll never be good enough for you, even if i rally am.

i hate how you look down on anyone who tries to be different.

sure they're not the conventional ways of being different. but i think that's the point. differences should be celebrated, not mocked. i think that the worst part is, you know that you're just like everyone else. the only real thing you have going for you is your hair. and lets be real, it's not that different. but you want everyone to know that "there's something about you". you're trying hard to be different, just the same as anyone else. but you're not, i'm sorry. i'm sorry that you feel like your life is so mundane. that nobody likes you, that you aren't good enough. but don't make fun of them, don't judge them. you don't understand that they need to feel different just like you.

your views on life, you have no understanding. you are just as bad as the conservative christian moms that you hate so much. you judge just the same as they do. you judge the people that you don't know, don't understand, or that are different from you. you hate just the same as they do. you have no perspective. and next time could you please try to be the bigger person, i don't want karma to slap you in the face.

 get respect- give respect. really what you're saying is that i don't respect you until you respect me. why should they respect you, if you don't respect them? are you better than them? (according to that logic).   respect should be given no matter what? or at least you should be nice to them. but you can't seem to wrap you're head around the idea of being nice to someone who has messed up. let's all take one big look in the mirror. we've all messed up, but for the most part we're all good people. we have nothing to be overly proud of.  

i don't know...

why can't we be nice for once? why can't we love people?

given the chance i would never do that ever again. i mean, there is a part of me that wants to give up this belief that i have, and just do those things.  but i can't i guess you could call it morals, or my conscious. but i can't actually. am i missing out on something in life if i don't? i can't begin to explain this. but i don't want to i think that maybe it had something to do with what Stanczyk said, and the way he said it. he was so proud. it was honorable, but we laughed at him... and thought he was a loser. but he stands in his beliefs. it was beautiful.
it's a moral dilemma. but it's not because i'm a christian, it's actually just my family. things didn't work out for them.